Tuesday, February 27, 2018
8:30 PM
So after the longest break I've ever taken; slightly more than a year, I came back here.
I have to say I'm actually very proud that I tried so hard and kept myself busy and occupied and focused on improving myself yadda yadda but at the end of the day it didn't change some things.
At the end of the day, I don't really think some of my fears and insecurities are something I can overcome. It's not like a skill: it doesn't get better with practice, it doesn't get better with failure. I can't analyse where I went wrong and because of that I can't improve.
And I know deep down inside of me it could be a matter of luck or just bad timing or fate. But I refuse to accept that at some level, because I would rather attribute it to me being a terrible person than some cosmic force outside my control. That gives me reason to believe I can change the outcome.
I guess that's one thing that's changed in a big way; yet I'm faltering: I would rather admit to being inadequate than succumb to the admission that I was right along. I've tried really hard to be the best version of me, but this won't change. And it's wearing down on my soul. It feels like my determination is slowly being grinded away in the face of the world proving to me that sometimes no matter how hard you try: it's just not you.
The source of my overwhelming confidence in many things are etched in failure. Failure is what has made me what I am today, but only in this one aspect of life I constantly am unable to find out where I went wrong.
I guess the famous Star Trek quote is right afterall:
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, December 06, 2016
12:06 AM
It's been a very very long time since I've come back to read the things I've written before.
I decided to stop because I started to realise I was obsessed with being unhappy.
Today, I am back because no matter where I look, no matter how hard I search, the only thing I ever find is despair and more despair.
I finally know what they mean by you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
9:43 PM
There is a lot of rage associated with what I do.
If there was an emotion that defines me, it wouldn't be melancholy or happiness. It'd be anger.
Anger makes me feel alive, gives me purpose. Frustration makes me obsessed.
It will kill me one day, I'm sure of that but it's not something I can let go off so easily.
I haven't met that many people who are able to help me let go of anger in my life.
But I do treasure each one of them dearly.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
1:49 AM
Overwhelming emptiness.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
3:44 PM
I should never let the dark inside of me grow.
But when it's all I've ever known, how do I find something to turn to when I cannot?
I'm a little scared, I'll admit that.
I can feel the dark inside growing a little bit at a time.
But I know as well that by myself, there's nothing I can do about it.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, January 18, 2016
3:49 PM
I never realised how much I've given up in humanity until I started looking deep inside my own soul. I thought I'd find something, like despair or anger, or frustration.
But there's nothing there at all. It's just deafening silence. Blinding emptiness.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
11:55 PM
I'm the exact opposite to so many people.
They are all obsessed with style.
I am only obsessed with substance.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
1:45 AM
Hey.
I'm back.
Sorry I left you. Sorry I tried to walk back to my dreams. I should've stayed with you because you're the only thing that's never let me down.
You're the thing that kills me and yet I need you.
I'm back,
fear. I'm back.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
1:25 PM
http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2014/11/the-truth-about-meeting-someone-at-the-wrong-time/
I googled this article I stumbled upon a while back to read and help myself accept things a little better. I'll be honest, I didn't remember the exact contents, only that it was something about how the people we meet at the wrong time aren't the right people.
But the more I read, the more I realised none of that applied. It didn't help at all.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, October 08, 2015
11:01 PM
Sometimes, some things aren't just mean to be, no matter how hard you try.
Both love and friendships alike.
lone wolf syndrome.
