Monday, August 31, 2009
1:19 AM
I think I may have autophobia.
And if I do, then it's really starting to eat at me. All those questions running through my ead before I go to bed; they're starting to slowly make me go insane.
And there's nothing I can really do about it.
Living in a world of negatives and what-ifs is definitely not what I wanted. How I wish I believed in pre-ordination. That would make life so much easier, just live it, because everything has already been decided anyway. If it's good, be happy, if it's bad, tough luck, and console yourself that it's fate. What-ifs just make things so much more complicated.
Yeah, I haven't studied the entire weekend. I've been busy, but keeping myself busy only works while i'm still busy. I just realised one of the reasons why I really hate going to sleep is because of those few minutes of silence. When I stare at the ceiling and think.
Yeah, thinking is my greatest strength and it's also my bane. I think about too many things too fucking much. I'd really like a on/off switch stuck in the back of my head somewhere. That would eliminate having to think before I actually fall asleep.
I really dislike staring at unfamiliar ceilings.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
2:21 PM
Maybe this is it, you know?
This is what it's all about.
Just accept the fact that there's someone there who wants to make you happy and go with it. It doesn't matter if you actually are or not, you should be just content with it.
I didn't expect it to be like this, what an anticlimax.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, August 28, 2009
1:24 PM
Sometimes similar people are just not meant to be.
The Hedgehog's Dilemma.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
8:13 PM
It's such a scary thought that online facades can be so powerful. Or maybe online personas are the true core identities of people. I think mine fits that bill largely. It may not be immediately obvious but yeah, it's the subtle details that are important sometimes.
EL1101E is making me go crazy. I'm seriously considering dropping the module. I don't want to be a fucking linguist, I just took it cos I thought it was easy. And it's not. No, that's an understatement, who the fuck am I trying to kid? It's GOD AWFUL FUCKING HARD. It doesn't help that Dr Hiramoto tries to explain stuff to us, but on her level and not ours sometimes. I mean, she's a good lecturer; there's absolutely no "prove-by-handwave" in her lectures, but it's just that she sometimes forgets that we're complete n00bs and wanders off into the highly technical aspects. I admire her as a prof for her work ethic and concern that we're learning the right thing, but how do we learn the right thing when we really have no idea what's she talking about? :/
Speaking of prove-by-handwave, there are 2 types of lecturers I hate: Prove-by-handwave and oh-I-have-this-story-to-tell-but-I'm-not-quite-sure-how-it-benefits-you-knowing-but-I'm-sure-you'll-figure-it-out-somehow. I seriously love you when you do that cos that means I can take a 15-20 min nap whenever you start. Too bad it means I have to sleep in class and make up for it by going through notes in the middle of the night trying to figure out what to actually study and absorb.
Oh, btw, NUS Prof's English mistake (he's ang moh too): Malaria Infested.
There is no such thing as a malaria infestation. You don't say that Africa is AIDS infested, do you? No, I don't hate you, I actually like your lectures, but that mistake just made me facepalm.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:09 PM
Because what's good for you is almost never as fun or attractive.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:09 AM
I feel even more alone now; when I thought I couldn't.
Go Bryan.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
8:40 PM
I just realised now that I have no girlfriend to call at night, I talk to this little corner of the internet.
Odd. This would make a good CNM topic to write an essay about.
Right, anyway, I forgot something I wanted to talk about when I made my previous post: My legs.
Now I've always been very self concious about my legs, probably cos I hit puberty way faster than most guys and back in Primary School, Pri 6 if I recall, my voice broke and I started to grow leg hair :/ Now it wasn't all that obvious and by the time it was, I was already in Sec 3 (yay long pants), and the unsightly leg hair was covered up.
When I hit JC however, I had a new reason to be concious about my legs cos like everyone had leg hair. My thighs and quads. Now I guess it's because I used to do alot of badminton and still do alot of soccer that my thighs and quads are rather big. Who am I kidding, they look fucking huge and fat. But they're not D: There's probably like 7% of fat in my thighs and quads and the rest is mostly muscle. But still, when I wear shorts, yeah, it just makes me look fat I suppose, so I try to cover them up as much as possible.
And that's probably the reason why I wear mostly 3/4s, berms (that cover up to the knee) and jeans. I really dislike shorts, but when it comes to sports, I don't really have a choice :/
I wonder how all those other players don't develop large thighs and quads like I do.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:01 PM
Ya, so I have a link to a friend now cos she requested it -.-
Anyway, soccer today was pretty good. I played well, even though it was out of position. And my legs didn't give way in the middle of the game. Sure, it's only 45 mins, but that's good enough for me. Full games can be very tiring and I can't remember the one time I played a full game and I didn't cramp.
Anyway, on the way home. I saw this old man, the type who collects used drink cans from garbage bins. I was trying to figure out whether I should give him some money, because he looked like he could really use a bath and some new clothes. But the thing is, he wasn't begging. I was afraid he would reject me out of his own dignity and pride and even scold me for treating him like a beggar. That reminded me of something else.
When I was still together with my ex, there was once we went to Chinatown for something (I can't remember what anymore) and we were eating food and chitchatting after we were done. And old man came over and asked if we were done with our food so I said yes, assuming he was the cleaner. Then he took my then-girlfriend's plate of unfinished food over to another table without clearing mine, and I was quite puzzled.
To my horror, he started eating my girlfriend's unfinished plate of food! I went over to him and gave him 4 dollars so he could buy himself a meal and I could see that he was pleasently surprised. He thanked me and sheepishly walked away. Ever since that day, I've always finished every plate of food to the last grain of rice no matter how bad it tastes. The only exceptions are when I'm too full or not feeling well (if I puke, that's more food wasted).
We take things for granted everyday, and sometimes, there are events in our life that change that. When I saw the man at the busstop take out a bunch of coins in his hand today, I suddenly realised, I've been taking the fact that I get an allowance for granted. 400 dollars isn't alot to me, but it's going to be a whole fucking lot to that man. I really regret not giving him any money now, well, since I play soccer there almost every week and that's not the first time I see him, I'll probably muster the courage to give him some money the next time.
Made me wonder whether I took you for granted. Thought about long and hard and gave up. If one day I see something that makes me realise that, I know I'll definitely change.
Sometimes, what you need in life is a good slap on the face by Reality.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:52 PM
I had a weird dream yesterday, so I thought I quickly blog about it before I forgot what it was.
Firstly, I dreamt that I had got back together with her. And I woke up rather frantically, to check whether it was real. Frantically as in frantically searching my thoughts; and somehow I was relieved that it was just a dream.
Secondly, I dreamt that I was playing table tennis with this bespectacled girl (no, I don't know who she is) and realised that I didn't have the feel for it anymore. The reason why playing felt so weird in the dream is possibly because my body can't remember what playing feels like in real life... then again, dreams always have this floaty floaty sensation about them.
Hm. Well, another thing that disturbs me, is that I remembered what and how to serve my fifth service that I completely cannot remember now. Uhg. I have the underhand hook, the regular low underspin but served from range, hard underhand spin, and last but definitely not least, underhand sidespin. What was the fifth service? Was it a drive? Well knowing me it's probably a underspin service, especially since I'm a chopper. Or is it a sidespin service with an underspin rotation like my underhand sidespin? Or possibly even a masked side/underspin. ARGH. It's really ironic. I realised that I completely forgot one of my services after I started playing table tennis again in the army. And seeing that I mostly return with chops, services are very important to me D: which reminds me, my service set was 3-2 in the dream which is completely fucked up.
My best service even screwed up (in the most inexplicable way, but that's cos it's a dream)... Damn, why am I so bothered with having a bad service set in a dream anyway? I sound like some schizo retard.
Hope I don't warm the bench today. But my quads are feeling really tight from yesterday. HIIT is definitely not for me. I guess even if I don't get to play, it's my fault for being so damn inconsistent in games.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:00 AM
Why is my heart so heavy? I thought I already decided that this is the right thing to do.
I really wish that I could be an asshole sometimes. "Not related already" was the mentality someone told me to adopt, but I can't. I don't want my own happiness to be based off someone else's sorrow. Is this the price to pay? Is this like a game, where the only way to taste the sweetness of victory is to make someone else taste the bitterness of defeat? Can I only be happy if someone else is down?
I've been really tempted to give her another chance, but I stop myself each time out of fear. Fear that history will repeat itself. The mind is willing, but the heart is not. I know that she'll change completely for me, I know. But somehow deep down inside, this bubbling scream tells me not to.
I'll admit, that's the scream of insecurity. Then again, there's the problem of me not feeling the same way about her anymore; but if I really want to analyse it, I'd say that's the part of me trying to come up with an excuse; it's bullshit. I don't mind being with someone who loves me and learning to love her over time. It's definitely possible, so why not this time? Is it because I've already given her a chance? A long chance I might add.
Come to think of it, I don't know what caused my feelings for her to change in the first place. I remember a lot of things she's done for me. Cheng Tng. That. Dumb dumb. I really hate myself sometimes; just as she was willing to love me more, I gave up on it.
I don't think I'm a BBS type of person either. I'm very easily content with things. So why? The disappointment each and everytime she promised me something? There came a point that when she told me that she would do something, the hope of looking forward to it was replaced with the cynicism that she definitely wouldn't. Maybe, it's because she stopped giving me hope.
I promised myself that I'll give myself time apart from relationships for a while, but this feeling of loneliness may be starting to get to me. It's like, suddenly, there's something missing. The physical and metaphysical aspect of it, but not the emotional aspect. No one by my side to hold my arm and walk with me. No one I can hold and feel in my arms. No one I have to worry about not eating right or having enough money to spend anymore. No one I have to wait for anymore. Did I take things for granted on my end as well? Or is this just the after-relationship fucked up feeling you get?
I thought I would be happier this way, but somehow it seems like I'm not.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
7:01 PM
I'm having difficulty studying. I hate studying at home, too many distractions.
I don't know why I feel like this. Even though my feelings for you are different now, the "just-give-me-a-chance" reminds me of myself 6 years back. Especially the part where you told me you were willing to wait for me.
Life is confusing sometimes. When I was with you, I just wanted to be with you because I believed being with you makes me happy. Then, alot of things happened, and just when I was about to decide that I wouldn't be happy with you anymore, you change completely into the type of person I wanted in the first place...
That's such a cruel irony. And the even crueler irony is that, I've been in a position where I was willing to do anything just to be with someone as well. And that person didn't give me the chance I wanted. And I told that person I was willing to wait till she was ready. But she didn't give me that chance too.
Sometimes, I really hate relationships. I don't know why can't people just choose a person, love that person, appreciate that person and treasure that person and get married happily ever after. Nothing works like that now I suppose. It has to be a huge merry-go-round of hurt and whatnot.
I'll be honest, I don't want you to wait for me, because I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way about you again, after what we've been through. But I don't want to stop you, because I know how that felt. I'm stuck in the middle I guess. The nice guy option, I don't want to let go off, but I know where that's always landed me in. As for the asshole option, I'm considering but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.
Life should have an edit button somewhere.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, August 21, 2009
11:58 PM
It's starting to feel lonely.
It's a feeling I really dislike. Then again, I've felt this way alot, so I should be used to it by now.
It isn't the subtle "I-never-really-felt-like-I-fit-into-any-crowd" sort of thing. It's the loud, glaring "I-have-nothing-to-do-on-weekends-and-no-one-to-call-and-talk-to-anymore" in your face feeling.
And based on previous experience, it's best to leave it this way for a bit. Never follow your rebound emotions, or you may end up hurting not just yourself, but someone else.
Emotional fatigue is the perfect way to describe how I feel now. I should sleep if I plan to run tomorrow. Good night.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Daughtry: Used To
10:26 PM
Can we get this back... to what it used to be?
lone wolf syndrome.
12:36 AM
So as I sit here, I wonder. What now?
When I was in secondary school, I told myself my fucked up life would get better when I got to JC. When I was in JC i told myself I would get the fuck out of there and prove all the fuckfaces there wrong by making it to NUS and getting into the course of my choice. So here I am.
Here I am again. Once more with the endless lie again. Back to the round-a-bout way again. Back to telling myself it's ok again. Once more again, here we go again.
So what do we do now that we're back to square one; just sit around, relax; acting calm? I seriously think this shit has to give, cos I'm not living my life one more day like this. Not going back to the start, no way; pointless draggy shit all day. I'd rather go out now and with a bang, take some cops with me, probably take a gang. Get beaten up and beaten down and thrown around, but at least it's not back to the same old shit again.
Uhm... repeat chorus? Haha, what the fuck am I doing.
But seriously, this has to stop somewhere. I can't keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day like some sort of ass. Tomorrow hasn't been better for a long while now, I think I should just pack and leave instead of waiting here for something. Especially when I myself have no idea just what it is I'm waiting for. Or maybe it's just me. Me and my "oh-woe-is-me" approach to life. But seriously? I'm not Mother Fucking Theresa. I can't tell myself those poor starving kids in Africa should be more important than myself and my own problems, or should I say, I can't anymore.
Yes, I'm taking alot of things for granted when I say nothing gets better. But in a way, it's true as well. Nothing's changed in alot of ways. It's like saying in the 1950s that we now have colour television! But it's still the same fucking television for God's sake. It does the same thing, transmits the same programmes, that if were boring, probably wouldn't make colour TV any more exciting.
I guess I can say my life's "upgraded" and "enhanced" but definitely not improved. Yes, I need that better tomorrow... now.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:05 AM
I wonder if you make me happy anymore.
There's alot of fucked up feelings running through my head all the time now.
I wonder if tomorrow will tell. I wonder why did I say yes when I knew the answer in my heart was no already. You remind me alot of her in some ways. You can make me happy. But you can make me feel like the most fucked up piece of shit on the face of this universe as well.
I have no confidence in you anymore, it's like that glimmer of hope's dead. Is this what they mean by "I'm not sure if I have feelings for you anymore"?
So did I disappoint her to the point she felt the way I do now back then? If I did, maybe this is God's way of telling me "IN YO' FACE". Then again maybe I just have the worst fucking luck with this sort of thing.
Please tell me how much lower do my expectations have to go. I'd really like to know just to have a good laugh.
Honestly; we're still "together"-together. But it somehow feels like I'm over you already.
Search and Download More Music Free
lone wolf syndrome.
