Someone explain to me, what is this fucked up feeling?
I finally understand what Alex means by a wordless scream.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:59 PM
So I stoned till 3 am staring at my psych question and typing out a measly introduction last night.
And hence, I have to finish it and my PS paper tonight.
Whatever, there are people who do even less than me, and that's reassuring.
I'm getting fat from all this studying, e-learning week is going to be running every day.
I'd wish you hurry up, Princess. It's getting hard to wait here. It's getting hard just staying awake.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
11:20 PM
Bored.
Lonely.
Bored and lonely.
Lonely and bored.
And at 2321. Who the fuck is awake right now? -.-
lone wolf syndrome.
10:40 PM
How now, brown cow?
I can't seem to start on my psych paper. Nothing's flowing. I need inspiration.
Yes, I need inspiration to write academic papers. Don't ask me why. Probably take a look at my PS and SE paper and you'll understand why. I guess my cognitive map is very different from alot of people, as are my neural processes. Might help to explain my sometimes very wild and nonsensical dreams; I form associations very differently?
Anyway, I realised it's pointless to chase after things that don't belong to you. Somehow that makes me feel more comfortable in accepting this thing called fate.
Uhg, what happened to me. I'm like relegating everything to destiny, fate, and whatnot. I didn't use to be like this. Maybe I'm just tired of running after things that seem to get further and further.
I'm beginning to wonder if it's fatalism is such a bad mentality to take?
Maybe there are just SOME things in this world we can't change. Yeah, that sounds more like a reconciliation of my beliefs. So we should just try to change the things we can.
See you later, alligator.
In a while, crocodile.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:24 PM
You're on the phone with your boyfriend, he's upset He's going off about something that you said 'Cause he doesn't get your humor like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night I'm listening to the kind of music he doesn't like And he'll never know your story like I do
But he wears nice shirts, I wear T-shirts He's Soccer Captain and I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along, so why can't you see? You, you belong with me, you belong with me
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself Hey, isn't this easy?
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town I haven't seen it in a while since he brought you down You say you're fine, I know you better than that Hey, what ya doing with a boy like that?
He wears sport shoes, I wear slippers He's Soccer Captain and I'm on the bleachers Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you Been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door All this time how could you not know? Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me
Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry And I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreams Think I know where you belong, think I know it's with me
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you? Been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door All this time, how could you not know? Baby, you belong with me, you belong with me
You belong with me Have you ever thought just maybe You belong with me? You belong with me
I don't mean to sound arrogant. But to those who think being smart is a gift, I'd gladly trade my smarts for happiness any day.
There is a reason why people say ignorance is bliss.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:07 PM
Happy ending.
I want one too.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:43 PM
Today was the most tiring day in my uni life ever.
I never want to repeat today again.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
6:15 PM
No soccer on a sunday is weird. It makes me feel fat and lazy :x haha.
Well, next week is the semis. Study hard this week and go win with a clear conscience next week.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:18 PM
I don't feel the least bit gifted sometimes, especially when mugging to cram information into my head.
IQ is a big fat lie.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
11:44 PM
I lied in bed and imagined what Princess Captivating would be like.
Yeah :) I've thought about it, neither V. or J. fit the criteria.
Someone who can only see you when you're around; who can forget about everyone else.
Someone who can tell what you hide behind that calm facade.
Someone who will run from the touchy feely and bury herself in your embrace.
Someone who smiles just staring at your face.
Someone who will just smile uncontrollably when you're laughing like an idiot.
Someone who laughs at your jokes no matter how dorky it is.
Someone who doesn't mind being anywhere as long as it's with you.
Someone who thinks your soul is as beautiful as you are.
Someone who can talk to you for hours on end; even if you don't say a thing.
Someone who doesn't need you to make her "yours"; because she already was, all along.
Someone who can see that something about you no one else can see.
Someone who honestly, earnestly wants you to be happy.
Someone who trusts you more than you trust yourself.
Someone who just wants to be by your side, as long as possible; and even as long as impossible.
Yeah, someone like that.
That's the type of girl, worth holding out for.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:57 PM
I'm a real rockhead; music just tastes better with electric guitar.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:17 PM
I have no idea what V. is doing now. I'm supposed to meet her tomorrow and take Mandy and Felicia to the club to swim. But she hasn't replied my message or calls at all. Sigh, looks like she never changes.
Well, it's not my loss. My plan tomorrow is to study for psych anyway. Get that fucking A so I can stay in PGP another year.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:11 PM
I'm addicted to those 2 songs now. Taylor Swift and Joe Elliot's duet version of Love Story and Dashboard Confessional's Hands Down Live at Abbey Road version.
Haha, song addiction, something that afflicts me alot. I'll just keep playing the same tune over and over again. Sometimes makes me wonder if the music's loud enough for the person sitting next to me to hear, and if they think I'm a weirdo XD But who cares? It's the songs I like and that I choose to listen to.
Music is really my life.
Deaf before I die because I played the music the way I liked. Loud, baby, loud; and nothing less, nothing but the best. Once a headbang, a headbanger till the end.
lone wolf syndrome.
5:05 PM
Good quality good music makes me happy :)
lone wolf syndrome.
2:20 AM
I realise that I don't really change much physically :/
1st: 17 years old
2nd: 21 years old
3rd: 15 years old
4th: 16 years old
5th: 21 years old
lone wolf syndrome.
1:11 AM
lone wolf syndrome.
12:13 AM
Thanks :) Everytime I get onto Facebook or MSN, I go and read the note on my blog, and it's working.
It doesn't give me motivation or purpose, but it gives me direction. Maybe one day, I won't need you to tell me what to do anymore :)
One day when I can find something else worth living for.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, September 25, 2009
8:19 PM
Something today helped me decide what to do.
I don't know what caused it, but a chance meeting with someone I haven't talked to a long time.
It's kinda odd, since we see each other every day and yet, we hardly say anything to each other. Or maybe it's that I've not been listening to what he's been trying to tell me. But, speaking to him was good. And it gave me a newfound realisation.
He's someone all of us know. Even when friends fail us, when love fails us, when family fails us and when God fails us, he's always there.
He's someone I never want to disappoint or let down, whatever happens. In case you haven't already realised, the person that I'm talking about is myself; the man in the mirror.
We've all lived our whole lives with the person in the mirror, understanding what we go through, going through the same things as us, understand our very innermost thoughts and emotions, but sometimes when we have a problem, we don't ask them what we think we should do. When we're happy, they are there celebrating with us, when we're sad, they are there, trying to console us. They lived our lives with us and yet, we tend to ignore them.
It's been a long time since we talked. But I could see he was happy to see me. He told me he was proud of me and that I've been doing what I thought was right. He made me realise that if he was happy with me, why shouldn't I be? He told me to focus on the right things now, being my midterms. And he also told me if I was ever feeling down and out, I could always talk to him.
So here it is, a note to myself:
Bryan, if you're seeing this message on your blog, stop what you're doing and finish your assignments and study. They are what's important now. When you're faced with a dilemma, just do what you always have, even if you know the consequences, you can't change the person you are. You may disappoint others, but at least, you'll never disappoint yourself.
So after a quick bath, it's going to be full steam ahead. Wish me luck, Bryan.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:31 PM
I haven't done much today either.
Sigh. Motivation, O Motivation, where art thou?
Should I start giving up on fairytales? They exist in books for a reason.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:07 PM
Ok really weird dream last night. It's sort of a recurring dream?
In school for some orientation camp, felt like O week or something. I have no idea why in the dream my dorm room is fucking huge. And apparently haunted. Yeah.
I also dreamt that someone had opened the window when I was at home and it rained, totally soaking my laptop. Apparently, that person was me; sleepwalking.
Oh and I dreamt of J. :/
I hope this doesn't turn out to be another case like D. cos it sure feels like it will end up that way.
Although I keep telling myself iim2bim2b, Icntshktsflgof.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:55 AM
Nice guys, rejoice. I have discovered the cause of why you find it so hard to get laid.
It's not you.
It's something called representativeness bias.
In layman's terms: Women are just fucking stupid sometimes, but think they are always right.
Solution? Well, if you can get her to realise that her disattraction to you is actually due to the "Nice guy" representativeness bias, then you're halfway there. You then probably need to help her develop a heuristic strategy for realising her "bad boy" isn't good for her.
I'd suggest working backwards, starting with negative things like why she's always feeling hurt/needy/lonely, why her grades have suffered, why her bank balance is empty, stuff like that.
If you work from the start, where she'll probably recall things like enjoying her time with him, feeling excited about meeting him, ect., with the positive emotional congruent memories of her "bad boy" still fresh from the primacy effect, you'll probably fail horribly.
So now you know! Now the only thing left is to muster up the guts to actually tell her and hope she doesn't treat you like some fucking weirdo :D
Good luck boys.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:27 AM
IcstouJ :(
TTSsImlsn2 don't rhe.
Hah, wmIkdg? Upbbde rmb :)
Imtktm.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
10:08 PM
Bah, session tomorrow cancelled because it's apparently Exalted and not SR4E. I honestly would have preferred tomorrow be SR4E and we cancel for saturday though, that way I wouldn't have to waste time travelling and could get down to studying.
不甘愿.That's how I feel now.
I really don't understand why 2pwasal, cnb2gt, especially when ultstaId, csmpov, auwImgt. Idkiu even rmb, b Ibntt chance, liaors now.
Yeah, who needs private blog entries when only you can understand what you typed? :D
MbIsrbabb... Idw 2mto...
I'll buy dinner for whoever reads my blog and manages to decode it. Fucking sushi tei ok.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:59 PM
Wonderful, I'm now hooked to Taylor Swift songs thanks to someone.
I did some research on her and was quite impressed that she used to idolise Def Leppard when she was younger. That girl has rock cred.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:31 PM
I don't know why I delete entire posts sometimes.
I guess, that's the way I am.
So, sometimes I wonder, why'd I make so much effort?
I never gave F. much. I changed after that relationship, I decided to do the little things that would make you happy.
But it didn't seem to work.
D., A., F., V.
I wonder who the next one will be? Or if there'll even be a next one.
And I wonder if I should do those little things for her as well. Or will it just be a waste as well?
D.
I would say, my first love. And back then I was dumb and stupid. I really didn't know the meaning of just friends back then.
A.
I guess, I was her rebound.
F.
Someone who really showed me, what it felt like to be cherished and loved. I have to say, I didn't really treat her very well. I guess, back then, that was the type of guy I was.
V.
I gave her the world. And sometimes, I was expecting her to do things a girlfriend would. But she never showed me that she would ever.
And hence, my love life thus far, summarised!
There would actually be alot I'd want to say, but I know that I'd just delete it off later anyway :)
lone wolf syndrome.
3:30 PM
I am so incredibly bored. Studying is a good way to go crazy :/
lone wolf syndrome.
2:03 PM
When people can't solve problems, they run away from them. How do you run away from yourself?
lone wolf syndrome.
10:57 AM
I've come to notice I have the habit of placing my hands behind my back when I'm thinking about something, especially while walking.
Hm.
Yeah, anyway I've decided that I should just rid myself of depressing thoughts because as I read from the Psych textbook yesterday, depression is caused by the repeated retrieval of depressing memories as one depressing memory may serve as a cue for another (mood congurent memory); perpetuating a depressive thought cycle.
So from now on, whenever a depressive thought bubbles up, I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to study, read, watch youtube, do things that make me happy.
I'm skipping soccer this week to take Valerie's cousins, Mandy and Felicia to the club for a swim and to pia my revision while there.
I don't care if I don't get to play in the semis next week, my studies are a fuckload more important.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:08 AM
I will learn delayed gratification. I will be successful.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
5:18 PM
I miss Japanese food. Should I make myself some curry rice and sashimi tonight? :/
lone wolf syndrome.
2:52 PM
View from the rooftop. You can see St. Gabes Secondary in the 2nd picture.
Yeah, I have no idea why I'm doing shit like this when I should be studying. Fuck me.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:44 PM
Yeah, I just realised my house isn't exactly very environmentally friendly. Last compressor on the picture below is the first compressor in the picture above. So that's 10 compressors.
UPDATE: I just checked out the side of the 3rd floor balcony, there's apparently another 3 by the side.
No, I have no freaking idea why my house has 13 air conditioner compressors.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:31 AM
Oh God, it's wednesday. I need to stop wasting time.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
5:51 PM
I've been adding alot of entries these past few weeks.
I guess one of the reasons was because I was feeling emotionally unstable. A little needy, a little desperate, and a little confused.
I thought of very fatalistic thoughts, thought too much about things that I couldn't change and worried about the nitty gritty too much.
I realised I've made a big mistake in my analysis of relationships. I used to think that the emotions, time, sweat and blood invested amounted to nothing if there was no reciprocal feelings or actions in the end. And I used to wonder what my purpose in life is.
I've come to understand a little more about life and a little more about myself recently. Although relationships fail, if you had honestly invested real emotions, truly loved a person, you leave a footprint on that person's road. No one can really "forget" people. It's more of a "move on". And these cumulative footprints on other people's roads, sometimes help you find your own road. Because roads don't exist as a structure, roads exist because people have walked down that path before. Everyone's road is intertwined, our lives a huge messy collection of paths and choices.
I'm finally beginning to understand what my mum means when she says life is a journey and life is a choice. I'll admit, I was wrong in thinking that life is a game. A game is too simplistic a concept to envision the many aspects of life. It only shows relationships between players and the aims of the game. A journey, a choice, those are different. There's an element of... open ended-ness if one uses that definition. It's not always about win or lose. Sometimes, life is about the collection of our experiences and the effects of those experiences on others. For we live life not through our own being, but by how we shape and influence those around us.
I guess, what I want to say is that, I think I'm beginning to understand this "plan" people talk about. Be they religious, or athiest or agnostic. It's not a pre-conceived plan by someone, not really, but everyone has the same plan. The only difference is the means by which we achieve it.
What I want to say is that even though there's no one else on this road, I suddenly don't feel as if it's a one way street. It's beginning to resemble a messy dirt path, created by the intersection of many other roads.
I guess, for once, even by myself; I don't really feel so alone anymore.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:05 PM
Sometimes talking to an ex is fun.
It's semi nostalgic, semi getting to know the person all over again.
Reminded me of a blog jointly set up when we were still together. And the things I wrote inside there. It's almost as if, that were an extension of this little space of mine. Except that I wasn't the only person who was pouring his heart and soul onto the canvas of the Internet. The posts there should've qualified somewhere in my blog as an entry, but for obvious reasons, I didn't put it up here.
When I think back about it, not everything about relationships are bad. Even failed relationships have something good that everyone can take away from. I guess it's when I'm in a shitty mood, the focus shifts to the negatives, not of just one relationship, but of all of them.
It's like being able to leave your baggage in a hotel when you check in, but when you check out, you have to haul it to the airport again.
Time Traveler's Wife made me wonder about many things. It sort of let those feelings that simmered to the bottom of my mind bubble up again. Thoughts and feelings, most predominantly inquiry and sadness, but no distinct... shape I can put to them.
I guess it fueled a sort of mood induced wanting and longing the entire night; sad love songs that reminded me of things didn't help much either.
You know, when I look back at my life so far, I can say it's been almost perfect, with the exception of affairs of the heart. I'm not saying that I've never met anyone who's really loved me before. I have; but after experiencing it, it so hard to live without. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost then never loved before is a fool.
Loving and losing creates a longing and wanting. Every time you lose something, a void is created in your heart and you have to find something to fill it up with. More often than not, one foolishly fills up more and more of his/her heart with each loss, and each loss makes one more and more... empty.
Every time, one loses someone/something, they'll construct walls around themselves. And every time they let someone break down the walls and break their heart, they build larger, thicker walls.
I really envy
people without walls
and without emptiness.
They have no idea how lucky they are.
Sometimes, the walls become a fortress. And the only voice you can hear inside of the empty fortress, is your own. You're always hoping someone finds someway, to squeeze in between the cracks or find the key to open the door and find you inside that fortress. But no one ever does. And you know you can never leave that castle. So you just keep hoping. And hoping.
And hoping.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:09 AM
I wonder if I did the right thing.
Well, better than waiting 3 years, like I did in the past.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, September 21, 2009
4:19 PM
Studying alone at home is bad.
I'm easily distracted :/
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
7:29 PM
Harverster Football Club is in to the semi finals of the Agape Cup 2009.
If I fall along the way, Pick me up and dust me off. And if I get too tired to make it, Be my breath so I can walk. And if I need some of your love again, Give me more than I can stand. When my smile gets old and faded, Wait around Ill smile again.
Shouldn't be so complicated, Just hold me and then, Oh, just hold me again.
Can you help me, I'm bent? I'm so scared that I'll never, Get put back together. Keep breaking me in, And this is how we live, With you and me........ Bent.
If I couldn't sleep Could you sleep? Could paint me better off? Could you sympathize with my needs? I know you think I need alot.
I started out clean, But I'm jaded. Just phoning it in, Oh, just breaking my skin.
Can you help me, I'm bent? I'm so scared that I'll never, Get put back together. Keep breaking me in, And this is how we will live, With you and me....... Bent.
Start bending is never enough. Till I feel all your pieces, Start bending me, Keep bending until... I'm completely broken in.
Shouldn't be soon complicated, Just touch me and then, Oh, just touch me again.
Can you help me, Im bent Im so scared that Im never Get put back together Keep breakin me in And this how we will live With you and me..... Bent
Without out understanding Hell Ill go there again
Can you help me, I'm bent? I'm so scared that I'll never, Get put back together. Yeah you're breaking me in, And this is how we will live, With you and me....... Bent.
Yuki in GE said there's a side of people that they never let just anyone see.
The other side of [insert name here] as people like to call it.
You know what, nevermind, forget it. I wanted to type something until I realised that it would just show that other side of me.
Yuki Kurokawa is really the type of girl I'd like to date, mainly because I find she really resembles me in alot of ways. I can predict the ending to the manga already, because she's doing exactly what I would.
I suppose I should insert a meaningful, thought-provoking punchline here but... I can't think of anything to say. Or should I say, I can't think of a way to say it.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:54 PM
I really don't want to play today. I'm lacking the drive to win. If only Kannu would just play me as keeper today. I seriously don't think I can force myself to chase long balls right now.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:19 PM
How do you describe missing the feeling of being in a relationship and yet, not wanting to be in one?
I'm fucking conflicted.
Someone said that one should wait for someone who you really want before you even consider getting together with that person. How do you even know that he/she's the one in that case? What if you went too early and someone better comes along? What if you missed out and gave up on the opportunity of a lifetime?
There's someone there willing to be by me and yet with no strings attached. I'm wondering if I should just take it up to pass this phase by. But that's... being the type of person I hate.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:46 AM
So apparently, a few of the things that can help when you're feeling lonely is to keep a journal/diary or start a blog. Doesn't really help. I have a quiet corner of the internet to type out my innermost feelings, but it's not like my Princess Captivating is going to find it and read it.
Another way to apparently get over it is to, I quote, "bask in it". Ain't that kind of like wallowing in self pity? Build a scrap book of the person you miss? What if you don't really miss anyone in particular because there's that niggling sensation that you haven't actually met that person yet?
Get a hobby. Soccer helps a little. But I only play once a week. Online gaming is bad, time wasting and addictive.
Talk to someone? Ha. Princess Captivating, if you're reading this somewhere out there, please find a way to call me up and talk to me. I don't really feel like talking to people, I don't like burdening others with my problems. I only talk to people who willingly probe me and want to know everything about me. It shows me that they are the people who are worth telling my problems to. Who are worth my trust and effort. No, I've not experienced many people like this in my life. In fact, I can honestly count only 2.
I remember typing this out a long time ago, but I'll just say it again: Paul Wan said it takes 2 equally empty people to become whole again. I agree, because it's probably only when people have experienced one end of a situation, can they fully appreciate the other.
I don't know why I feel this way again suddenly, after spending a couple of weeks with new friends in NUS, being able to ignore or at least forget that feeling; tonight of all nights, it comes back to haunt me.
I'm going to bed. It's the only place where I can be myself sometimes.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:07 AM
I don't know why today brought so many memories back.
The thought of locking myself away and throwing away the key is becoming more and more appealing. That way, I know anyone who takes the trouble to replicate/find the key is worth the trouble.
I am really beginning to wonder what's my worth.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
3:32 PM
So yeah, comparing my 2 rooms, obviously the one I have at home is way bigger, spacious and whatnot. But why do I miss my PGP room? I dunno. I guess I've grown attached to it :/ It's really mine. Unlike my room at home where I have to share with my bro I guess.
People are so weird.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:22 PM
My Room
My Bed
Bro's Bed
Wadrobe
Inside of wadrobe
Our desk, mine is at the far end
My desk
Toilet, so nice and big compared to my PGP toilet, but yet, I still miss that small ass toilet :/
Shower, huge compared to the PGP one. That's not pubic hair in the drain btw. It's my bro's hair, he has fucking long hair.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:58 PM
Ok here goes my picture filled post.
I realised on Thursday that I really really missed school. Paticularly my room. Yeah, you only realise how important things are when it's not around you anymore.
So here's how my PGP room looks like.
Alernate view:
Wadrobe (yes that's toilet paper):
My desk (yes that's food, there's a pic of that later)
Toilet, small eh?
Shower, small measly one man affair :/
The broken toilet:
FOOD GLORIOUS FOOD
On that note, I hate blogger's photo uploading system. I intended to post pictures of my own room at home here but, I'm kinda ticked off by uploading. I'll do it later.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:26 AM
I just realised how those 2 posts contradict each other.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Don't want to think anymore.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:30 AM
I think I'll do a picture filled post when I wake up. Hm. Maybe.
Today was fun, except for the initial rush when I had to practically run out of Harbourfront station to draw money then to Eliza's condo -.-
I realised it's kinda fun to run in a crowd; dodging people and anticipating where they are going to go sure beats a treadmill or just running for the sake of running. I should've been born in America; I think I'd make a pretty good Amercican Football Running Back.
Oh man, I spent like 40 dollars cabbing there and home. I guess it's my fault that I told both drivers to keep the change, but I always feel like I should tip cabbies because they don't really earn alot and I like the ones that take the shortest/fastest way when I tell them whatever way is fine. I still remember being taken for a ride back in NS. Cab fare was close to 25 bucks from Sembawang Camp to my place cos the fucking taxi driver took a long route.
I think I need to budget tightly for next month. Gonna go clubbing tomorrow, movie on monday, then clubbing again on wednesday. Uhg. That's easily another 100-200 down the gutter. My bank balance looks healthy but I know how I can spend my money sometimes. Everyone seems to be giving tuition to supplement their income and I think I should too. But I have to do it without my parents knowing or they will ask me to stop working and give me more allowance instead.
Am I odd that I don't want to rely on my parents alot? I'm intend to take my Masters degree with my own cash too. Buy myself a car with my own money and whatnot. Or should I just sponge off them? It's just not like me. Reminds me of the time I played devilRO. I wanted that fucking SoG from our own castle even though Jingle could basically buy one for everyone in the whole guild. But I didn't want that cos it didn't feel right. Being able to grasp something you've earned with your blood and sweat makes it so much sweeter than having it handed to you.
And yet, I hate hard work. Yes, I believe hard work is key to success, but I hate it. I'd rather work smart than work hard. Because I sincerely believe everyone is gifted in their own way, and instead of focussing on our weaknesses, we should look at our strengths instead. I don't see the point in trying to chase someone who's faster than me. I don't see the point in trying to outmuscle someone who's strong than me. I don't see the point in trying to outsmart someone more intelligent than me.
A little quiz/riddle I thought of to reflect this paradigm of mine: A race is announced. The rules are simple and anyone can register. The aim of the game is to be at the destination of a certain object/vehicle when it stops/completes its journey. The object/vehicle will start from a certain location that will only be announced 1 min before it starts to travel to its location (competitors can be anywhere in the world they want to be). The object/vehicle is the fastest moving thing ever created and it is unique, i.e. nothing can match its speed or even come close. The object/vehicle is also considered to be unstoppable i.e. no known technique, weapon, object or material can hinder its movement.
The question is simple: How can you ensure you are able to win the competition without having to share the prize money with anyone?
You just have to know where it's going to go before it even moves.
Because there's no point in trying to chase it, there's no point in trying to stop it, so the only way to win is to determine where it's going to go before it moves and be there before the competition starts.
Yeah, that basically sums up my feelings on effort. Give up on the impossible and focus on the possible, even if it's a low chance that the possible will work.
The only important thing about a low probability is... that it's not zero.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
9:47 PM
Because sometimes, it's depressing to think of the possibilities.
Because sometimes, doubt plagues me like a black cancer; not ready to know, yet not ready to give up either.
Because sometimes, when I force myself to move one step forward, I end up taking 2 steps back.
Because sometimes, my luggage weighs a ton; from my various different exploits, collecting a few "souvenirs" with each one.
Because sometimes, there's alot I want to say, but yet don't feel like telling anyone.
Because sometimes, I don't want my weary feet to get wearier.
Because sometimes, I start to believe that maybe I'm meant to be alone; that maybe this is life's plan for me.
Because sometimes, I just can't believe that it could be; I tell myself to stop dreaming; because the higher I dream, the harder I fall.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:22 AM
Is it odd to say that sometimes I feel happy realising that I am insignificant in the wake of things?
I mean, I'm not happy that I'm insignificant. I'm happy that I realise it, unlike all the self-absorbed people out there.
Sometimes, in fact, I hate the fact that I can influence things because that just makes me want to attempt to. And become upset when I discover I am unable to or when I do not achieve the desired result. But then that makes me want to attempt to more and more.
Heh, I think I've basically summed up human nature in 4 sentences.
I guess that Tears for Fears song was really accurate: Everybody Wants To Rule The World.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
11:54 PM
Whew, finished at the fucking last minute today. Hairianto and me rushed from CL to tutorial cos of some printing screw up :/
Well what matters is it's over. PS test tomorrow and nothing is going into my head; I'm already thinking of BBQ on friday, SOHO on saturday and movie on monday.
... die la.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
11:36 PM
My group's CNM survey report is written like a humanities essay. Looks like it's no or little sleep for me tonight.
If you want something done right, do it yourself.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:33 PM
Ok, I did something extremely stupid today.
I was putting on my shorts in the toilet and the edge of my heel hit the tip of the toiletbowl cover as I brought my leg down into my shorts.
My toiletbowl cover is now broken.
Fuck me.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, September 14, 2009
11:35 PM
Talking to Jeshua today made me realise something.
I have a knack for understanding people and getting my own points across to them.
Like in STC, translating lor sor technicality ridden speak to simple English; to Jack, translating his tutors Artsy Fartsy BS on abstract art to simple English; and translating Moritz's really hard to grasp ideas on CNM to simple English.
Maybe I should be a... damn, exactly what kind of job suits this sort of talent? :/ Translator? Haha.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
11:42 PM
Wow, 5 blog posts in one day~ New record!
Well, technically 4, because my days don't run from 0000 to 2359.
Yeah, anyway, forced to stay up to finish this project thing. In the meanwhile I'm packing stuff for tomorrow. I realised I need to bring more clothes that I can acutally wear around campus every monday. A House t shirts everday are not going to cut it.
Oh and my hair is worse than I thought. Fucking barber did a hack job of it. I'm thinking of going for another cut during reccess week (since next week is hari raya).
Damn shit isn't even worth 4 bucks let alone 8. I could cut my hair like this with a mirror and a shaver.
So apparently with an IQ of 147 I still cannot understand the Monty Hall problem or the Boy or Girl paradox. Or maybe I'm just too sleepy.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:48 PM
I learnt a new word today. Well, it's a French phrase to be technically correct.
Anyway, here it is: Raison d'être.
Reason for being. Something I think I lack.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:58 PM
Left mid today. Holding role, and I can't really cross well with my right foot on the left anyway.
4 - 1 trashing handed to them, mostly via long balls down the middle. Left was completely blocked out, they kept trying long balls and I headed them out. Then they kept trying long throws and I headed those out too, haha.
Anyway, Quarters of Agape Cup are next week and we have the magic number again. No subs, so I guess I'm definitely starting on the right. I'm not really excited or anything but I want to win. Not because I really really want to win, but because I really really hate to lose.
Ok Speak Good English Movement, let's do this the diplomatic way... Please go fuck yourselves.
There is no way she is SPEAKING good English. No matter what you say, her pronounciations are light years off the mark. Don't defend her just because she's a beauty queen. Imagine she gets into the finals for Miss Universe (let's just say, hyptoectically speaking, the competition she's in isn't Miss Universe anyway) and she has to do the Q&A thing-of-a-jig.
"So Miss Singapore, what do you think of poverty and how women can help (because it's always feminist in someway or another. If you don't think so, you don't watch Miss Universe enough)?"
"Errr, I tink we can help baiiii... *pause* our gahmens can cum together to diskars arbout is-soos like dis. And wooman politi... err MPs can help to ..."
You get the picture. So who will take the blame then? You, Speak Good English Movement. Seriouslu, I hate hypocrites who will say "Don't blame this person!" and then push blame away from themselves as well.
And Miss Ris Loh, do you want to know why people are making fun of you? It's not cos you speak weird. It's because you suit the typical bimbo stereotype down to a T and you're proud of it. In fact, you're so proud of it, it's kinda bordering on skanky. "Bigini and gins" and "strut down Orchard Road" is not sexy. It's stupid, underdressed (or over dressed, depending on how you see it) and reeks of "HEY I HAVE NO INTELLIGENCE AND I'M A SKANK, WOO HOO! FREE PUSSY FOR ALL, COME AND GET IT!".
Yeah, go ahead and sue me for libel or something, I don't really care. I don't create stereotypes, society does and you just help them reinforce it.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:14 PM
So I got time for a short post before I rush off for soccer because my dad will inadvertently forget that he promised to send me to aljunied station.
Yeah, so I had to waiting in a fucking long queue to get my hair cut by a fucked up barber today cos my regular barber was closed for some reason. The haircut was too quick and terrible, it's going to be copius amounts of Gatsby to hide it on Monday. No wonder he only charges 8 dollars.
a) Define your life in 10 words or less.
One big disspointment after another, punctuated by occassional happy memories.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:31 AM
Didn't get any studying done today either.
I wonder why is it that only girls get to dream of a Prince Charming. So cliched and sexist.
I want my Princess Captivating as well.
Hmm, I just realised that males and females have very different expectations of their "Dream partner".
For girls, I'd assume they want him to be handsome, charming (duh), gentlemanly, providing, understanding, not a wuss, blah blah blah.
For guys, attractive, flirtatious (but only with him! lol), caring, sensitive, and blah blah blah.
Kinda impossible expectations I guess. Oh and I guess this is really testament that all that"What-I-look-for-in-a-person-is-personality!" stuff is bullshit. Because in our dream partner personality is more often than not, a secondary requirement. Sure, you could say that we all have our own individual preferences, like some people like quiet partners, others prefer the bubbly type and whatnot. But when it comes down to it, personality is really not something I'd look that far into, because no one's perfect and I'd have to accept some flaws here and there because she'd probably accept some of mine as well.
Yeah. So Princess Captivating, when are you going to put a love letter in my shoe locker like in those Japanese Animes?
Why why why me. Is there something on my face that says: "MAKE THIS MAN KING; FOR HE SHALL SERVE WELL!"?
Nope, didn't think so.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:03 AM
4am. Yay.
Sleep it is.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, September 11, 2009
11:38 PM
Is it me? Or do all the so-called "dating experts" sound like obnoxious, insecure idiots?
Ya, you can tell me how to get dates and how to nail the girl; I've taken your advice and it's worked before. But that's not all there is to a relationship.
I don't want someone who is with me because she is attracted to me; she'll probably run off with another guys once she's more attracted to him than me. I want someone who loves me.
Every dating site/book/expect can offer you advice (READ: really works) on how to get girls and dates, how to bed her, why you should bed her, ect ect. But no dating site can ever tell you how to keep one. It's almost like the "Bible to Wild, Outrageous, Crazy Sex With Countless Hot Atttractive Women (disclaimer: None of these women will marry you)".
Yeah, so if you're thinking of signing up for one of those websites, or that you really suck at getting dates or picking up girls, don't worry.
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:09 PM
Citizen Dog was a waste of my time.
I thought it was going to at least have a semebelence of relevance to the module and stuff. Oh but, no. It was some sappy fairy tale romance flick.
Yeah, what a nice movie to watch with the state of mind I'm in. I should've sleeped in. I really hate movies that remind me of how I feel when I'm trying to ignore it. It's like watching those happy couples over the place. Yeah, it pisses me off.
Religion. What a nice escape for some people. That bubble that they live in, that they can attribute every stupid unfair shit or good thing that happens to them. It's so tempting, so escapist to believe that everything happens for a reason. I really dislike that. It makes life seem so much less worth living.
Makes our own reasons seem small in comparision. Makes our dreams seem meaningless and insignificant. It diminishes our purpose in life and replaces it with something else. Whatever that religion claims it should be.
You can never find the things you're looking for, but sometimes, when you stop searching; those things come looking for you.
Projects and midterm papers seem to be closing in.
I really dislike always being the defacto leader sometimes.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
1:23 AM
So, right. It's 0123 and I'm still awake and staring at my laptop screen. Man, I'm seriously thinking I should've spent a longer time at the gym. That would've been way more productive than sitting my lazy ass off in my room NOT doing my work or studying.
University life feels so dreamy dreamy, like you know everything's there but it's all so far away. Probably until it hits you right in the nuts that is. Yeah, I can sit here and tell myself, there's always going to be time tomorrow but, when I think about it, mid terms are after the break and the break is like in 2 weeks.
It looks like my only option is to study on weekdays ANYWHERE BUT MY ROOM AND MY HOME. Oh and fieldtrip report, fuck. I wonder if I should really go to Geylang or Sentosa. Sentosa is so cliched. Geylang would probably be a unique destination but... yeah, it's Geylang. Never wear a cap there. On the bright side, if I do go, there's going to be awesome gu bak kway teow.
I seriously need a reason to move. It's no point setting goals for myself when they seem meaningless to me now.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
11:08 PM
I wish someone would stop the memories from coming back to haunt me.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:35 PM
I learnt something new today. Tibialis fucking anterior is the name of the muscle that afflicts my running. Yes, I know it's because I jog with weird gait on my right leg, but I DUNNO HOW TO CORRECT IT. And I don't sprint with a weird gait.
Yeah, I embarrassingly had to get off the threadmill before my run was done because that stupid muscle was becoming crazy tight after running for 5 mins.
I suspect it has something to do with punting multiple times after catching balls this weekend. Since I punt with the top of my foot, I suppose I use the tiabialis anterior to keep my foot straight for punts (since according to wikipedia, it's the muscle involved with ankle stability). But it can't be just that. I've been having problems with this fucked up right leg muscle since NS. I can run and not feel the least bit tired and this muscle will be screaming holy fucking shit.
Pisses me off sometimes. Maybe when I'm older I'll make friends with some running expert and get me to change my style of running.
On the bright side, it doesn't affect my soccer since I sprint most of the time and use mostly slips and jukes to get past opponents. Sometimes change of pace too, but much less common.
Gah, I should be studying now. Going to bathe and go do some readings.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, September 07, 2009
12:34 AM
Sometimes I wonder if I'm still alive.
Anyway, goalie for the team today. Let in 3 goals but I guess it's alright. We were really playing badly today, many people playing out of position, bad decisions and whatnot.
I simply can't study at home. I need to find a group of friends to study together with at like mac or something. Like during A levels. This is really bad, at this rate, I'm going to be way behind in readings and assignments. I need motivation. I think I'll stay in school on thursday and go home only like for dinner. That would probably cram in an extra 3 hours or so. Better than nothing.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
8:12 PM
I finally got my beef jerky. Yay.
It's a really good snack. Tasty and low on carb AND keeps me awake cos I have something to munch on.
Man, I need more motivation and less distractions. Seems like I'm doing all my studying on weekdays :/
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
11:43 PM
I don't think I can ever date a church girl. Too boring.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:24 PM
I've decided, I'm going to set myself some goals for this sem to take my mind off things
1. Study hard and get into the fucking Dean's List
2. Work out and lose 10kg by the end of this semester
3. Get to first team place in HFC, or be useful enough to play every match (since I'm the perfect substitute, sadly)
4. Save money and buy that PS3 I've been eyeing.
About point 3, I'm not setting a low target with my afterstatement. I'm really the perfect substitute in the team in the sense that I can play a large variety of positions (almost everything except striker? Even goalie). I'm a utility man of sorts :/ So I've also come to respect Kannu's decision when he doesn't let me start. So I at least want to be substituted in every match. I want to earn a fixed place in the team, be it as a sub or first team member.
REEDIT: Studying for the whole day and being around people can really help take my mind off things but when I'm alone in my room, that feeling of sheer emptiness just creeps up on me. Distracting myself with work and pleasure will only work temporarily; I need a solution, because I honestly cannot go on like this. It feels like I'll implode upon myself sooner or later. I can't really explain how this cavity feels, but I really guess I don't need to. Everyone's probably felt it at least once in their life; the feeling of loss and helplessness; of uncertainty and hopelessness.
And like all cavities, this one is starting to decay. Me.
lone wolf syndrome.
10:13 PM
I realised that I've always felt alone and unable to fit in. Yeah, sure I can joke, carry out long conversations and enjoy myself in the company of people I consider friends, but I've never been able to say what I really feel deep down inside regarding alot of things.
I guess unless some event agitates or provokes me and concerns things I hold dear, I'll never really express my inner most sentiments. I've always been the hectogon among the circles. Oh-so-close to fitting in, but never quite there.
I'm only an outward extrovert. I'm pretty sure those really close to me or those that have been close to me in the past know that.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
9:26 PM
I've fallen back into that "I-don't-want-to-be-involved-because-I-don't-want-to-be-hurt" slump again. Yeah, that same slump I fall into everytime one of my relationships end. The last time, I pulled myself out of it, telling myself that it wasn't my loss; if she thinks she's too good for me, then I'm better off with someone who can appreciate me.
This time, I don't think I can do the same. I don't think I want to either. Let's say technically, even if I do fall for someone, I think I'd just observe them from afar (just like for someone), be happy that they're happy and go on living my life. I don't really want to be involved in a relationship that turns out sour again. I'm resigned to the fact that if I'm meant to be with someone, that person will probably take the initiative (yeah, right).
I really shouldn't dwell on things like these. I realised why it's so hard to study in my room; it's not really cos the computer is a big distraction, but because when I'm alone by myself, my thoughts tend to wander to these sort of things.
Having my instant noodle dinner alone almost everyday has almost sealed my life for loserdom. Maybe I like it that way; no one's going to want to know me better.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:44 AM
I like a man who grins when he fights. - Winston Churchill
I realise that I don't really change much physically :/
View from the rooftop. You can see St. Gabes Secondary in the 2nd picture.
