Friday, December 31, 2010
2:35 AM
Men are the dumbest creatures alive.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
6:57 PM
That's going to be my New Year's Resolution.
After 1st Jan, I'm going to stay out of your life.
I think you'll be happier that way.
No more annoying person to piss you off.
No more being fearful of ambivalence on your part.
No more having to consider the fact that I like you and putting pressure on yourself.
I'm not angry. I don't even want to do this.
But if it makes you happy, then...
lone wolf syndrome.
6:36 PM
I guess you'll never know about how I felt when I typed that.
When that heavy feeling in your chest hits its breaking point and explodes.
No one outside my family has ever seen me cry except 2 people.
I opened my heart to them and I made a mistake.
You'll never know how it felt.
I thought... I thought you perhaps would understand me.
Maybe I thought wrong.
You won't understand how I waited 2 years for someone.
You won't understand the logic of being happy for someone else.
Or maybe you do, but you refuse to.
Because in your eyes, I am not that person.
I am not someone who can be satisfied with being friends.
I don't need to be in a relationship, ok?
I don't need to go forward.
Especially so, when I don't even know if the other person feels the same way about me.
That is only a repeat of what happened back then.
I didn't need a "we".
I was only concerned about the "you".
A long time ago, but I'll never forget; what it means to love someone and not be loved in return.
No.
When you love someone; you don't expect anything in return.
You can wish, you can hope.
I wished, I hoped.
But I never expected; the thought kept crossing my mind to remind myself: It's not gonna happen.
Love is a gamble, not an investment and I of all people in this world am so fucking clear with that fact.
I don't know what you think of me.
But I know I really, really like you and if you want me out, if you're happier that way.
Then I suppose, this is goodbye.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
9:15 PM
You always leave me wondering.
It's really conflicting sometimes.
I wish things would be clearer.
Ambivalence is not a very good state.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
11:55 AM
Leaving on an airplane in about 3 hours time.
Had awesome fun last night :)
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, December 24, 2010
3:44 PM
你说你要人顾你.
我真的很喜欢你. 我真的想顾你, 真的想要你开心.
我不介意为你担心, 为你痛苦, 为你伤心.
只希望你能了解我的心意, 希望你会感动.
我最担心的是你. 担心你天真, 担心你傻.
我也许担心太多, 但也是不能不担心.
我真的很喜欢你...
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
8:11 PM
Ok Bryan, your brain is obviously not functioning properly let alone optimally.
Go sleep dammit.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:29 PM
Drink more water.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
7:55 PM
Huh. Life suddenly just seems so... like that.
I guess weekends are my busiest when I have to DM.
This is what happens when I don't look for a job and have no money, lmao.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, December 17, 2010
8:04 PM
I wonder if you read this.
Maybe you'd understand a little bit better.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:03 AM
I have to be bad to myself because I can't help it. I will worry, I will be hurt, I will do stupid things.
For that, I will be good to myself when I can help it. I will exercise more, eat healthy, do things I like.
Be good to yourself so you can treat yourself like shit later when you don't have a choice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like you. I don't really have a choice in that.
I will do the things I can.
I will stay away from the things I can't.
But I will go on.
I've got a degree to finish.
I've got balls to kick.
I've got campaigns to run.
I've got games to play.
I've got people to meet.
I've got my life waiting there for me.
But I will still like you.
I will be there when you need me, and maybe even when you don't.
I don't have a choice in liking you, but I have a choice in what I do.
I will not move on, I will not get over you, because I don't want to.
But I will go on, I will learn to live without you, I will do what needs to be done.
I think that's the best way to sum up my decision now.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:33 AM
You said you'd be happy with just being friends so what are you bitching about?
Make up your mind. Stop complaining that it hurts.
Are you supposed to expect something in return? This is what you wanted.
Fuck you, heart.
Make up your mind.
And stop keeping me up at night.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
8:21 PM
Because good things are worth waiting for.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:07 PM
Because I cannot. I cannot let it go.
If you find someone better, I'll let it go.
I'm not being noble or anything.
I'm just being me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those not-so subtle facebook updates really hurt.
I sometimes really wish I could project how I feel onto other people.
That would be the kind of superpower I want.
Because there are alot of things that I cannot use words to describe, that I cannot explain and that I cannot rationalise, justify, make sense of myself.
Just let me be please, just let me carry on the way I am now.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
8:30 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_heart
I just have to always remember, that this too shall pass.
Hopefully, sooner than later.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:10 PM
Everything that can be said has been said.
Everything that can be done has been done.
Time to move on with life.
Que sera sera.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:00 PM
I can only apologise the only way I know.
Because I am that sort of person. Straightforward, stubborn, bullheaded, tactless.
This is probably the most straightforward, stubborn, bullheaded, tactless apology ever.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:32 PM
You seem to have a pattern, Bryan.
Be taken for granted, take for granted, be taken for granted, take for granted.
Very nice pattern.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:00 AM
This should be the last post for tonight.
I just decided on impulse to open my blog up. I dunno why.
Am I hoping for someone to read? Not really.
Hoping for my friends to know me better? Nope.
Maybe some chick will come along, read, fall in love and live happily ever after? Fat hope.
Elton told me something that made me feel like I should let people who care know.
So the 3 people who care are the reason why I'm opening my blog up to the public.
Fuck BFFs. Bros should be forever.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
11:43 PM
Some days I have nothing to say.
Some days, I can spam up to 6 posts.
Today is one of those days.
After being friends again, I do realise one thing.
Maybe I never wanted to be more than that.
Maybe I was just looking for a part of myself that I that you could hold.
And maybe I realised along the way, that no. You aren't the one I was looking for.
Maybe you were never the one I was looking for.
Or maybe I just didn't want to get close to you at all.
Because I can say very clearly that, you don't know me till now.
You still don't know me.
In fact, I think the people who know me are few and very few indeed.
And you don't know me, not because you don't know me.
But because I didn't let you know me.
Maybe I was attracted to the fact that you were like me; after a break up maybe.
You were afraid, alone, defensive.
Maybe I thought that I could find a kindred soul in there somewhere.
Bryan, you do realise how fucked up are, right?
Yeah, I do.
But I'll never forget what Paul Wan said.
And I'll hold onto that, because it makes sense and because I'm stubborn as fuck.
It takes two equally empty people, to make each other feel whole again.
Maybe you thought I wasn't empty enough.
Or maybe you weren't empty enough for me.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:20 PM
Now I have to start the painful process of getting over you.
This was pretty much alot like D.
I really shouldn't chase girls.
You always make the same mistake, Bryan.
Or maybe you just plan to fail before you even start.
Because you always think you don't deserve anyone.
Wallow in your self pity you son of a bitch.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:50 PM
I have to bitch.
This is bullshit.
I thought you were atypical.
I'm starting to think I was wrong.
You treat me differently.
You claim there's a chance.
But in reality, there's no possibility.
Because you've never really considered me as the type.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, December 13, 2010
9:07 PM
Ok, this is going to be a long post.
When I was young, I didn't like the notion of fate. I didn't like my life to be decided by some high power, I didn't like the pre-determination of things.
But as I grow older, fate becomes a much more acceptable concept. Softer, easier. It's easy to blame things on fate instead of yourself. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking that there was nothing you could do, the outcome was already determined.
Maybe, it's true. I don't deserve another person. No, I am not being depressed emo right now. I am being rational. Look at other couples, they've been together since they were young, been together for a long time and then get married. I just somehow don't think I can ever be as close to another girl as I was with F. And it's my fault in the first place. My fault for taking things for granted, for being immature. And maybe just fate.
I feel like the closer I try to get to you, the more I'm pushing you away.
You say I'm going too fast, but I'm not. The one going too fast is you. You're going so fast, except not with me. I'm the guy who can be left behind, who it's ok to remain like this with. You don't realise that I'm the exception.
You are fast with everyone else. But I have to be slow with you.
I just cannot understand the double standard sometimes. Just because I let you know how I feel about you, it somehow gives you the right to judge me differently. Because you know, you treat me with caution.
I don't understand what you do, I don't understand what you want. I feel like a crutch to be honest. Yet again, a very willing crutch. I don't want to be the sobsob go-to guy again. The one you know will always be there for you even if you're not there for him, or at least you think you're there for him.
Why is it everytime I decide to step outside my fortress of solitude, there's always someone who reminds me why I built it in the first place? Yes, I willingly came out. But I do not want to willingly go back in. Does true love necessarily have to be the long hard painful way?
Are those clichéd dramas, movies real? Somehow you have to go through a buttload of trials and tribulation to find love. And only through those trials and tribulations do you determine how true that love is. Fuck that.
It's all fate. It's either fated or not. That's the only way I can make sense of this bullshit now.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:32 PM
Everything's different.
Deja vu.
I don't want to be in this position again.
In the end, I turn to you again, my reliable companion.
This wall of text no one knows about.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
10:36 PM
I really do like you.
And I think I should be thankful.
I'm already quite happy as it is.
lone wolf syndrome.
