I really wasted my recess week in terms of studying and catching up with work.
Then again, who actually spends their recess week doing anything productive?
lone wolf syndrome.
8:23 PM
You need to stop wasting your life away.
True happiness... isn't this.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
3:23 AM
Hey.
If by some chance, you're reading this, could you hurry up and find me?
I really don't know how long more he has.
He's dying, slowly but surely.
And he needs you badly.
I thought he could wait till you got here.
But it looks like we were both wrong.
So please, hurry.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
6:49 PM
The memories are good.
The regret isn't.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:34 PM
When I look through my drawer and look at all the cards you wrote me, the pig hand puppet you made out of a paper bag, some glued on eyes and coloured paper, and all the little things that you did...
Then the feeling that I really fucked up and really let someone so perfect go hits me like a sledgehammer.
Why couldn't I be happy with just that back then?
I clicked the add friend button.
But I'm half hoping you won't accept.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:31 PM
Actually, when I'm not feeling down, my posts still come out as if I'm troubled.
Maybe it's just that I'm so used to it.
Because I come here to talk about the things that I cannot normally talk to people about.
So it becomes a habit to have that angry, angsty, cynical spin on it.
Or that depressing, disillusioned tone.
I may be a pessimist but I still hope for the best.
I just expect the worst.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:08 AM
It is not wrong to doubt people.
Doubt them.
Question them.
Suspect them.
And take a good, long look into their hearts.
Humans are the kind of beings who can’t put their pain into words after all.
Trust is actually giving up on trying to understand others.
- Liar Game
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
4:20 PM
I really dislike getting involved in things that don't concern me.
I dislike talking to people that I don't know because at some level I don't want to know them.
I dislike committing time and effort to pursuits of interest because I don't want to disappointed when the results do not meet my expectations.
And this world has proven me right time and time again.
I guess at some level, my motivation is that I really want to be proven wrong.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:11 PM
Sometimes, there is no next time.
Sometimes, one shot is all you get.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:02 AM
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
8:36 PM
I know that when I blog a lot, I'm feeling fucked up.
And that when I don't blog, usually everything is ok.
So what does it mean when I want to blog but don't know to blog about?
I'm feeling fucked up but I don't know what I'm feeling fucked up about?
Yeah that sounds about right.
Strangely, it's like I've come to accept things but at the same time don't really want to accept them.
It's not living in denial, it's more of like living in acceptance of denial.
Or something like that.
As usual I'm not really good at communicating what I feel.
Everything is supposed to be where it is but something is missing and I can't quite put my finger on it.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, February 21, 2011
12:01 AM
I think why people always complain that there are no good guys around is because when the good guys come along they always push them away till all the good guys decide that there's no fucking point being a nice guy any more.
True story.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
11:05 PM
F.,
Talking about you and how you really treated me well.
I was about to click the "Add Friend" but then I thought to myself.
I don't really want to bother you now anymore. You're happy, you should stay that way.
I fucked up, so I have to live with that.
Thanks for everything.
I really appreciate it.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:45 PM
When everything feels like the movies, yeah you'd bleed just to know you're alive.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:24 PM
"We didn't break up. We never even started." - Adam, No Strings Attached
lone wolf syndrome.
2:24 AM
The more I think about life, the more I'm amazed at how irrational it is.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
1:51 AM
I don't understand why I feel like this.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, February 18, 2011
11:12 PM
I did a little post sometime back about emotions.
I forgot to include one.
The most powerful positive emotion, hope.
Hope changes people, it affects them on a very core level.
It determines their outlook on life and their approach to things.
The removal or introduction of this single powerful element can make a lot of difference in people's lives.
Never underestimate hope.
lone wolf syndrome.
The Secret To Happiness
1:24 AM
1. Do your shit.
2. Don't give a fuck.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
10:04 PM
It may not be about forgetting, but I'm screening you out because I can't keep thinking about you all day long as well.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:27 AM
I don't like this feeling.
It feels like I'm running on empty.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
7:37 PM
I wish the world would prove me wrong sometimes.
Prove to me that it's not right for me to be a disillusioned cynical bastard all the time.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:03 PM
This is probably the fastest I've gotten over someone.
Maybe because I learnt that getting over someone doesn't mean forgetting them, but learning to live without them around.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
10:27 PM
Trust your emotions sometimes.
They could be right.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, February 14, 2011
10:37 PM
Oops.
Oh well.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:45 PM
当作最后一次对你的溺爱.
要好好学著去生活, girl.
因为我需要走了.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
11:35 PM
It really didn't have to be this way.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:42 PM
How do you measure love?
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
9:58 AM
累了.
该休息了.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
11:27 PM
People go through identity crises.
They have problems with validating their self concept with their self image.
I think I go through different kind of identity crises.
I am little bits of everything till I don't really know what I am any more.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:09 PM
Tick tock tick tock.
How to live a life of no regrets like that?
lone wolf syndrome.
4:48 PM
他绑不了你, 根本不是我的问题.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
11:38 PM
Everything is starting to make more and more sense.
I'm glad I pulled myself out of that pit I willingly jumped into.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:21 AM
Maybe it's just part of life la.
Sudden changes in schema can really affect how perceive things sometimes.
Weird.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
11:56 PM
This is the song I only sing when you're sleeping. These are the words I say when you can't hear me. This is the way I look when you can't see me. And you will never know.
Denise, I'm stuck in the same situation I was 7 years ago.
Now I understand what you did back then was probably the kindest thing you could have done.
You forced me to get over you.
You gave up a friendship for my sake.
And it took me a long long time to get over you.
No, not time.
In fact, if I had not known Fiona. I don't think I would have ever gotten past you.
Fiona, we were together for 2 and a half years or so.
Till today, you are still the only girl I can confidently say is marriage material.
You really dragged me out of the hell I was in back then and nursed me emotionally back to health.
I was young and careless and made mistakes and the rest is history.
I hope you're happy with the guy you have now.
I wonder if I'll ever meet someone like you again.
Because I'm in the same hell again.
Well, maybe not exactly the same.
But I've made the same mistakes, loved too far and loved too much and stuck in the pit I willingly jumped into.
I guess history really does repeat itself every now and then.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:28 PM
The issue of reciprocity is central to love. Mutual attraction is for both sexes a most highly valued characteristic in a potential mate. People like to hear that they are desired. The lover wants to be loved in return, to be kissed as well as to kiss. The lover is ready to be committed, but expects to find similar commitment in the beloved's attitude.
The lack of reciprocity, that is, the knowledge that you are not loved by your beloved, usually leads to a decrease in love intensity, and ultimately, to humiliation. This decrease does not tend to be immediate; the one suffering from unrequited love persists in trying to win the other's heart. Indeed, many books and movies feature as their theme aspiring lovers persisting doggedly to win the hearts of their beloved. In some cases, love may even briefly intensify while one tries to win the other's heart.
Whereas lovers care about their beloved's attitude and want their beloved to prosper, in sexual desire the partner's needs and attitudes are less of a priority. Nevertheless, sexual activities are not completely devoid of concern for the partner, as this person's satisfaction often increases our own. However, this is a more superficial and egoistic concern which does not focus on the fulfillment of the other's wishes. Sexual desire has a purposive nature which is not typical of love (see The Subtlety of Emotions).
In light of the reciprocal nature of romantic love, a major characteristic of love is the lack of indifference. Indifference expresses the absence of evaluative preference and hence the absence of emotional sensitivity. Therefore, people in love prefer to be hurt by the beloved rather than treated indifferently. Similarly, the saying goes that it is better to break someone's heart than to do nothing with it. In her song, "A second hand love," Connie Francis says, that "I'd rather have this kind of (second hand) love than not see you at all."
It is easier to express reciprocity in cyberspace, as it requires fewer resources or real actions, and self-disclosure is greater. Reciprocity is most evident in cyberlove, which consists of very long conversations-these can sometimes last as much as a few hours every day of the week. Conversation is essentially reciprocal activity, and long conversations can take place only when genuine reciprocity prevails. The reciprocal nature of cyberlove is also expressed in the significant mutual self-disclosure and supportive attitudes typical of these relationships (see Love Online).
Some people deny the importance of reciprocity in love by taking it to be a mechanical kind involving perfunctory calculations of what each person gives to and gets from the other. Such a calculation is indeed incompatible with genuine love. When I do something for my beloved, I do not do it because I expect to get it in return. I do it because I want to do it, as I believe it increases my beloved's well-being. Genuine romantic love should involve, however, profound reciprocity in which each person seeks the happiness and well-being of the other. The actions that result from such symmetrical care may be asymmetrical, as they take into account special personal and contextual deeds. We would find it hard to accept if only one partner gave the other birthday presents, remembered anniversaries, or offered cups of tea-while the other offered none of these symbolic acts of giving gifts. Here it is not the mechanical giving that matters as much as the symbolic act of gift giving or remembrance, acts that signify the other's significance.
The issue of reciprocity is less dominant in parental love. A mother can love her son even if at this point in his life the son is extremely ungrateful. At the heart of parental of love is responsibility, rather than reciprocity; nevertheless, reciprocity does play a part here as well, though to a lesser extent than in romantic love.
Unrequited love, which lacks reciprocity, is a painful experience that significantly damages our self-image. When the romantic rejection is perceived as irrevocable, it is a humiliating blow to our self-esteem, as it reflects a significant negative evaluation of our worth. We deeply want someone, but this person does not care for us. Someone who we believe is extremely good and suitable for us does not think that we are good enough. The pain of romantic separation is exacerbated by the feeling of personal failure, because of the expectation that it should be otherwise (even when the current divorce rate is quite high). This may explain why people take romantic separation, and in particular romantic rejection, in such a harsh manner. It is evident that the separated or rejected lover can find another lover who may even be more suitable; nevertheless, some lovers cannot stand the separation or rejection and commit suicide or kill their beloved (see In the Name of Love).
People look for a heavenly haven in love. The intensity of love and the perceived unity of the lovers create the illusion of feeling secure: the desire to live happily ever after in the safety of the beloved's arms underlies romantic love. However, love is not safe, but rather risky. Lovers are quite vulnerable to the risk of being separated from the object of their love. The dynamic and changing nature of romantic reciprocity constantly threatens the existence of love.
Adhering to Romantic Ideology further complicates and intensifies the painful situation of the rejected person. In such a case, it is harder to interpret romantic rejection as a normal behavior which could happen to anyone. There is no normative framework in which the rejected lover can find consolation. On the contrary, the framework he or she believes in denies such an option, as the Carpenters ask about the reason why the sun goes on shining and the sea rushes to shore: "Don't they know it's the end of the world, because you don't love me anymore?"
No doubt, reciprocity is crucial in romantic love. However, the lack of it, and hence the end of a romantic relationship, is not the end of the world.
I guess I don't want it it to become merely an eventuality. I want it to always remain a possibility.
But then again, I'm only human.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, February 07, 2011
9:04 PM
I now know that enlightenment can be gained and forgotten as well.
I nearly threw away the wisdom imparted to me and regressed back to then.
I know what I want.
I know what I should do.
And I know what to believe in.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
9:55 PM
Sometimes you need someone to remind you what you're doing wrong.
I think I need that. Constantly.
At least now I know what I should do.
Time to move on with life, Bryan.
Time and tide waits for no man.
Your heart can stop in time there, but your life needs to carry on.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:47 PM
Reciprocity
lone wolf syndrome.
12:09 PM
Maybe this is just part of God's plan.
I just have to entrust myself to fate.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:28 AM
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:11 AM
你真的是被我吓走吗?
That's what they say, that you know I was serious about you and you were afraid of it?
不是因为你认为我不是真心真意的?
今晚看着你多么快乐, 我一直在想可能这是最好.
你高兴, 我为你高兴.
我也会慢慢放开, 你也会慢慢走开...
You live your life
And I live mine.
Because if you knew that I really was serious about you, then I don't see how remaining as I am will change anything.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
5:51 PM
我没有什么孙子兵法. 我还一直在用我唯一爱你的方法.
I cannot understand why you still think I'm trying to do something underhand.
I wanted to wait, I wanted to let you know everything on that special day.
But since things are like that, I might as well just say everything now.
Here are the posts from my OTHER blog.
The one I used because I did not want things to be awkward, because I did not want to be distant. Because I thought it would be better to keep what I know to myself.
