I don't want to look at what I don't have any longer.
Contentment is afterall, bliss.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, March 28, 2011
7:48 PM
Fairy tales are fairy tales are fairy tales are fairy tales.
But still, they make me happy.
Even though its merely fiction, they help to give people hope.
Even if I can't be happy, I really hope others around me are.
I think maybe that may help get rid of the disillusionment somehow.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:01 AM
The disillusionment has set in very deep.
I really don't think I can pull myself out of it this time round.
It's like wallowing in quicksand; the more you struggle, you faster you sink.
The more I try and give it a chance, a shot, or just try my luck
The more I fail.
And the more I fail because of the same old reasons.
If this was a game, or a sport, what I'd do is adapt.
Change the way you play to suit the opponent.
But the problem is, this isn't a game.
If I change the way I play, then I change the way I think and change the way I am.
I can do it if I wanted to.
I've seen people around me with that type of mindset.
They can treat girls like trash, as objects for sex, as something to be owned and used.
I can be that way if I wanted to.
But I don't.
The only way to win at this game is apparently to lose.
I hope that somewhere down the line, I'll discover another method or strategy of adapting.
But right now, no.
I just don't even want to play any more.
Don't trust and you won't get hurt.
Don't try and you won't fail.
Because it's not a matter of succeeding or not to me.
You all seem the same, and I just cannot bring myself to think
"This one, maybe this one is different from the rest" any longer.
I'm sorry, but I'm extremely disillusioned now.
If one of you, any of you is actually the one, then by some miracle, you should be able to make me forget why I gave up in the first place.
The more I read what I type I realise how ridiculous and hypocritical I sound, demanding that the person who loves me should make some sacrifice before being sure of my feelings for them.
But then, I've done that.
Not once, not twice, not even trice.
And I did it because I really believed they were worth it.
So this time, I should wait till I'm worth something to someone.
I don't know if that logic makes sense.
I may have to wait forever.
But it's better than just trying when you know you will fail anyway.
Afterall, everyone is the same.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:44 AM
2 quotes I came across on Twitter that I decided to post to remind myself of.
Love doesn't demand to be loved back but it doesn't mean it exists to be taken for granted.
and
I didn't stop loving you, I just decided to stop showing it because no matter how hard I tried, you wouldn't get it.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:24 AM
The strange thing is that I've always been referring to it as "my fortress", "my castle" and "these walls I've built".
Maybe everyone feels the same in some way.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
11:48 PM
I made the right choice getting rid of any way to contact you and find out more about your life.
It's evidenced in the no. of blog posts I've made these few days.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 25, 2011
1:48 AM
I know you're going to regret it.
But I've already given up on trying to explain that to you.
You were so close, yet so infinitely far.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
12:15 AM
Yesterday, I was disappointed by love.
Today, I am disappointed with the world.
I am reminded of my army days, when I board the bus, see everyone living in their invisible bubbles, blind to the plight of everyone else.
I remember telling myself.
I'm not like them.
And I guess
I was right.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
8:08 PM
No, sorry, the biggest irony is that he was scared because even he knew how much I loved you.
And you didn't.
That is truly the biggest, saddest irony.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:01 PM
It's an irony when the world can see how much I love you and how much it kills me and you don't.
But that's life and I need to move on.
I gave up not because I couldn't wait anymore
But because I realised the everything I gave you would never measure up to even 1% of what he does.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:17 PM
I wondered if I had made the wrong decision.
I seemed to take everything away suddenly and abruptly.
But then I realised, I didn't take anything away.
I just stopped giving away anything that was originally mine.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:58 PM
我终于可以放下来了.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:10 AM
This isn't about winning or losing like you think it is.
I don't need to keep up appearances in front of others because I had none to keep up in the first place.
I just want to get you out of my life and forget you asap.
Not because I hate you.
Because I know that I should get out.
lone wolf syndrome.
10:51 AM
When I give, I give everything.
When I leave, I give nothing.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
11:53 PM
I really wish I had a F. to save me now.
Like back then.
When I had nothing left, when I was running on empty.
When I was the broken vase and she was the duct tape that held me in place.
It's not that I haven't tried.
I've tried to pick myself up, I really have.
Nerrine, Venie and now you. Who will eventually be referred to as S. in my blog.
Every time I try to get up the world just kicks me down harder and harder and harder and I can't deal with it, I can't.
I can't spend every night crying myself to sleep again, I swore I would never beat myself up that badly.
Especially over a girl and here I am doing just that.
Maybe I shouldn't have tried to fly.
I should just be content with walking, let alone running. Just crawling will do fine too.
Just find ANY girl, any simple girl, get attached, get married, fuck, have kids, grow old and die.
I'm so disillusioned now, I really don't think there's a difference being alive and being dead.
Fuck affective forecasting, they said you wouldn't feel as bad as you predicted you would but I feel just as bad if not worse.
I don't even know what I'm writing anymore.
It's not easy to cry and think and type at the same time fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I should just go bathe and sleep and... get make money. Since I'm only going to be characterised by that since I'm only probably gonna attract gold diggers my whole life anyway just fuck.
You know God.
I dunno if you have some grand scheme for a fairytale ending. Fuck, who am I kidding.
But in case in your deluded deranged mind you thought tasting pain would make me appreciate everything more than maybe you're wrong.
I betrayed my trust no one policy every single time.
And every single time I'm right.
D., you carved that into my heart, into my mind.
The first time I feel in love, you made me realise the world is about trust and get hurt. Trust and be used, trust and fuck up in general.
Okay I have no idea what I'm writing anymore.
I need a bath, sleep and to get started on my essay tomorrow. Bye.
lone wolf syndrome.
I don't understand why I always give my everything despite all this
11:44 PM
You could've been the one.
But I guess you just weren't.
I should stop convincing myself otherwise.
I just...
I guess this is really effort justification on my part.
This war was lost a long time ago and I'm still trying to fight the battle.
I wish I could just throw all these feelings away
Into some bin or something, into the sea, far away as possible and never see them again.
But they are feelings and they are real and they burn and sting and fuck me up.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was always yours. If it doesn't it was never yours in the first place.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:25 PM
If only you could hear everything they tell me and my heart screaming out in protest and agony.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:07 PM
Sometimes, I have a witty quote with a hidden meaning to it that not many people might understand.
Sometimes, I have a poem or a song I wrote to share.
Sometimes, I may have some video off youtube.
Today, I have nothing.
I cannot describe the overwhelming sense of disappointment and sadness in words alone.
It just causes your mind to go blank
And your heart to turn empty.
You don't wanna think, you don't wanna do shit, you don't even want to want anything.
But I have shit to do. I have things to think.
I have to force myself no matter how soulless I feel right now.
I don't even have a fucking punchline to italicize this time round.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, March 21, 2011
9:35 PM
Sometimes it gets lonely at the top.
lone wolf syndrome.
Effort Justification
6:16 PM
Effort justification theory tells me that I should stop treating you so well or cognitive dissonance will make you love him more and more.
Or at least you will convince yourself that you really love him.
It states then when people have put effort into something and given up other alternatives to it, they will rationalize the effort that they've put into it.
When you have a job that pays badly, takes forever to get a promotion and has a boss less qualified than you and you've passed up other job offers in the hope that this one will improve, you tend to tell yourself that you really love your job to make sense of it, to make your attitudes consistent with your behaviours.
People strive for consistency and the lack of consistency creates an uneasy feeling of dissonance that they strive to resolve by changing their attitudes and behaviours.
But my heart tells me, fuck theories and do what I want.
Maybe that's just effort justification at work too.
But you know what?
Even if there's nothing at the end of the road, at least I walked it.
lone wolf syndrome.
Choice
12:31 AM
That being said, life sometimes has a cruel way of playing jokes on us and making us choose between treasuring someone over someone else.
So whatever happens, I won't blame you.
I've not blamed you and I never will.
I just hope you can see that I'm here doing this.
Something he can never do because he had you from the start.
Something he may never do if he doesn't have you any more.
Something I do.
Because to me, you are worth a wait.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Mistakes
10:57 PM
People always say waiting is painful.
But you know what?
After D., I doubt anything else could be more painful.
2 years was a long long time.
And I really lost hope completely along the way sometimes.
I guess that I should have learnt from my mistake.
Except that it wasn't a mistake.
I never thought I fucked up.
I will never think I fucked up treasuring someone I love.
I will only think I fucked up if I let them go.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:23 PM
You say you don't want to make me wait.
But actually, the moment you thought I would give up if you got together with someone else
You already did.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
8:55 PM
Yeah, I guess in the end I was just asking in search of hope.
Looking for light at the end of the tunnel.
But then you can never see the light till you're halfway through.
And if it's a deep tunnel, you'll sometimes have to be pretty damn close to the end.
Sure, maybe the tunnel is a dead end and there's no way out.
Maybe you'll waste all the time and effort if that's the case, not to mention having to travel all the way back to the start.
But you'll never know if there's light till you try. Till I try.
Trying is meaningless if there is a assured success; that's why it's called trying.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 18, 2011
8:29 PM
I really still love you.
And I really don't know what to do about it.
How I wish things were as simple as you've always said.
Just find a nice girl, settle down, and get married.
That would be really, really nice.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:16 PM
I nearly cried watching this. Especially the portion where he carried the piano all the way to her place and was still filled with hope and then
He saw the new guy.
And he left.
Because his hope
His optimism
Everything
Was just destroyed in that instant.
I know what that feels like,
I know it really really well.
This is why I am a pessimist.
I wasn't born a pessimist,
I wasn't born cynical,
The world made me this way.
This is why I'm not sure if I should continue waiting.
Because I know- ... no. I hope
I still really really hope
That there is someone who won't hurt me
Who won't make me cry
Just like I am, typing this out now.
lone wolf syndrome.
5:56 PM
I cannot describe this feeling of waiting.
You start to question whether you are waiting for naught, whether there is a point waiting at all.
Everyone wants a forever.
But yet, no one wants to give that forever without being assured of something equal in return.
I cannot wait forever.
This much I know.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:53 AM
In all economic activity, value is subjective.
One must differentiate between use value and exchange value.
Use value is the value we derive from using something.
Exchange value is the value we derive if we were to trade/exchange our commodity for something else (exchange value can be viewed as opportunity cost in some ways).
The use value of money is... zero. It can't be used for anything.
But it's exchange value is tremendous.
Having said that, one has to understand that every individual places different values on the same things.
To a rich man, money has no value. When he has money in abundance, he has unlimited or close to unlimited exchange value. So what he desires is use value.
Thus to the rich, time is their most valuable asset. Because it has infinite use value. And zero exchange value; nothing can be traded for it, only the opposite can occur.
Following this vein of logic, to the poor, time is their most unvalued asset. Not because it is useless, but because they require much of other items of use value. Food, clothing, luxuries, whatnot. Hence, to them, to exchange the infinite use value time for exchange value money to exchange for other use value items, is what is essential to them.
The rich do the same, but they do the same with money. Unlimited exchange value of their (assuming, merely an eventuality) unlimited money, for commodities with use value, combine them in a series of processes (refining, assembly, manufacturing, whatever) to obtain greater use value so as to exchange for money, thus increasing the original amount of exchange value the same amount of money has. In other words, capital generation.
One key key key key KEEEEYYYYYYY problem with this is that.
In tribute to my favourite poet, Robert Frost, and his poem, The Road Not Taken.
lone wolf syndrome.
4:08 PM
Something like that, just forget everything in 2 seconds.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:48 PM
I overslept so bad.
I'll just take it someone is telling me to take a well deserved break and rest.
lone wolf syndrome.
Somebody give me a lifeline instead
12:47 AM
My life is about deadlines.
Deadlines to meet.
Deadlines to keep.
Deadlines for my essays.
Deadlines for my feelings about you.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
11:58 PM
A Philosophy professor one day he picked up a large empty jar and proceeded to fill it with small rocks. He then asked his students if the jar was full? They unanimously agreed that the jar was full.
So professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked his students again if the jar was full. Again, they unanimously agreed that the jar was full. Then the professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"
One eager student raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!"
"No," the professor replied, "that’s not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is:
'If you don’t put the big rocks in first, you’ll never get them in at all.'"
"Now," the professor said, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things: your family, your partner, your friends, your health, your children, and things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."
But it's perplexing when you're all in and show hand
And the other party is still guessing whether to call your bluff.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:13 AM
I'm selfish.
I want someone who'll grab me and never let go.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, March 14, 2011
9:56 PM
Self handicapping.
Reactance.
Status quo bias.
Denial.
I should give up.
I don't see what's the point about caring about someone who doesn't even know what they are doing to theirself.
I can finally understand why people call it 'heartache'.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:48 PM
Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay.
Robert Frost
lone wolf syndrome.
1:09 AM
I smell fear.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
3:36 AM
I'm not scared of never meeting you. I'm scared of having met you, and let you go.
Only people who live like that can think of something like that.
I don't like being categorised without being understood.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
9:03 PM
Presence.
It's such a hard trait to define.
Something about a person that causes people to take notice of them.
Some people have physical presence; so big or muscular they just can't be ignored.
Some people have a charismatic presence; an unexplainable attractive air about them that just draws people in.
Then there is the enigmatic presence, what I believe to be 'true' presence; it isn't overt, it isn't obvious. But it is all the more unforgettable because it is all the more mysterious. A subtle hint of power, confidence, ability. The knowledge that somehow, someway or another, that person can kick your ass in something.
The one person in a team of 11 you cannot ignore.
The one person to step into a room and make everyone realise he/she just did.
The one person who talks; and everyone shuts the fuck up and listens.
The one person who doesn't need to talk; and everyone will still shut the fuck and listen nonetheless.
Presence.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, March 07, 2011
2:13 AM
You know what?
It's not so much a matter of whether I am able to or not.
It's not so much a matter of confidence or power or money.
Anyone who knows me will understand that it's never been about that.
It's not a matter of ability but a matter of choice.
I'm not like all the other mofos out there who need to exercise it because they know that's all they have.
I choose not to and I shall take pride in my choice.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
1:53 AM
Man of little words.
A quiet revolt in the heart.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
4:06 PM
There should be no binding necessary other than love itself.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:39 PM
"Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." - Oprah Winfrey
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 04, 2011
12:06 AM
I eat six meals a day.
Breakfast, second breakfast (sometimes consumed together), lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
Win.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
10:00 PM
What are words If you really don't mean them When you say them? What are words If they're only for good times Then they don't? When it's love Yeah, you say them out loud Those words, they never go away They live on, even when we're gone
lone wolf syndrome.
8:48 PM
Writing is strangely cathartic.
When I can put the feelings I have in me in words, I feel better.
It helps me make sense of what I really feel.
It makes me realise, what I am feeling exactly and why I am feeling that way.
It doesn't make the feeling go away, doesn't reduce its magnitude.
But it still makes it more bearable somehow... easier to swallow.
To a certain extent, writing about how I feel helps me let go of that feeling, by accepting it and not trying controlling it or mis-expressing it as I've strangely been taught throughout my life.
But it still does not resolve the feeling.
How I wish feelings were closed looped systems; they start and stop themselves.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:14 PM
Why do I feel like I'm being tested for every single one of my emotions in a specific sequence these past few months?
God, if you're toying with me, you better stop.
You can play with my heart, you can play with my hope, you can play with my grief, my fear, my sadness, whatever you want to play with.
But do not. test. my. anger.
This is a final warning to you.
lone wolf syndrome.
5:50 PM
SO FUCKING PISSED OFF I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE
lone wolf syndrome.
12:16 AM
I'm a "wake-up-and-smell-the-roses" kind of guy.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:07 AM
I cannot decide if the fact that I spend too much time thinking about everything is a gift or a curse.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
10:47 PM
So fucking tired this week.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:16 AM
What is the point of trying only when you know you'll succeed?
We don't attempt something because we know what the end result is.
That's why it's called attempt and not do.
We attempt because we don't know.
Even if you know you have a 99% probability of failing, does that mean you should give up on the 1% chance of success?
