Because I don't believe that higher powers can save you.
But when I heard the news today, I lit up a joss stick and tried my best to sincerely appeal in my heart to whoever, whatever would listen.
I don't know why the world is so unfair sometimes.
Of all people, it had to be his mother.
I really have nothing to say.
I'm in a state of shock yet, not entirely there because I know the world is unfair.
But fuck man. Fuck.
I think I'm really losing faith in this world completely.
This isn't something simple that reciprocity can resolve.
It's like there's something inherently wrong with the equation that this formula called life was created with.
I just can't accept that out of all the billions of motherfuckers in this world, you had to ignore them and choose this one person instead.
Why? Seriously, why?
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
9:33 PM
Sloth.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
10:32 AM
Oh yeah, I had a great dream again last night.
It was about the upcoming Arts Camp.
lone wolf syndrome.
10:31 AM
Sometimes, people are so caught up in their own waves they forget that they are merely part of an endless ocean.
Rule #1: Never believe your own hype.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
9:12 PM
Now I'm listless.
So lacking in energy.
My sleep is always dream filled; one night feels like a lifetime sometimes, living different fantasies, saving the world (most of the time), or some damsel in distress. Then there are those fantasies where I live in a perfect world, have a wonderful girlfriend, job/love what I'm doing, have great friends and everything is just so... flawless.
Sometimes I think it may be not that I'm tired, but that I don't want to wake up, especially when dreams feel better than reality.
And mayhaps my lethargy is merely this want deep down inside to retreat to that world.
So while other people are defined by what they have, I seem to only see myself in terms of what I lack.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:01 AM
I don't really understand the meaning behind relationships in life sometimes.
I don't just mean romantic relationships, I mean all relationships.
It's a painful cycle of expectations, disappointment, new expectations, new disappointments, hurt and fear.
Why do we yearn for human connection when we are repeatedly hurt by it?
If I were to analyse this "game" from a Nash equilibrium perspective, only one solution makes sense.
Don't play.
Now back to romantic relationships.
So how is it that people who don't play and yet still hope that somewhere down the line they actually meet that someone works?
Women do it all the time; since the commonly held stereotype is that men are supposed to be assertive and aggressive.
But, isn't it a ridiculous notion?
Playing a game with zero risk to yourself and 100% risk on the other party.
Shouldn't the risk be spread 50/50?
Or is it that if your partner expects there to be 0% risk on his/her end, that just proves it's not going to work out?
I've played the game a few times.
And very seldom was it ever 50/50.
I choose not to play now, hoping that maybe there'll be someone who'll play at 100%.
It may sound ridiculous but if I've done it, I just don't see why someone else cannot.
And that in itself, is already an expectation.
I'm waiting for you, beautiful stranger.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, April 25, 2011
10:19 PM
Why do I feel so extremely restless these few days?
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
10:47 PM
I like studying social psych.
It's interesting; it helps you understand people, understand why we act the way we do and why we do the things we do.
But at the same time, I hate it cos it just makes me fucking depressed with humanity.
It just reconfirms my firmly held cynicism sometimes.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:00 AM
I didn't want any of the awkward 'pretending-to-be-friends-but-not-quite-as-close-as-before' bullshit.
I didn't want any of the 'hey-I'm-your-friend-but-I-still-love-you-secretly' nonsense.
I didn't want my heart to break every time I see you with him.
I didn't want to become this person who can never do anything in the pursuit of his own happiness.
Because you happened.
So I decided to walk away, as far away as possible.
I decided to let you hate me.
I decided to never speak to you again.
To never be part of your world and never let you be part of mine.
But you will never know that
And it's perfectly alright with me.
You'll hate me, you'll despise me, you'll never want to talk to me.
But at least it's better than one day, realising how much this one guy cared and how much you didn't notice.
I didn't choose to walk away because I hated you.
I chose to go because I loved you.
I'm not trying to justify my actions or sound noble or shit like that.
If I were perfectly selfless, I would have just stayed friends and done whatever I could without being more than a friend.
But I'm human, I'm not perfectly selfless.
I have expectations, I have hopes, I have wants and I most importantly have experience.
Experiences of fucked up times and good times; experiences that tell me, what's good for me and what's not.
And my experience told me, nothing good will come out of waiting for you.
Because the day I came to comprehend that you did not understand me, was the day you, suddenly became like everyone else; you lost whatever it had that made you special and just... turned back to dust; you became a person again.
That day was the day that I accepted that we'll never be.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, April 22, 2011
10:52 PM
I fear not the pain, not the possible rejection and most certainly not the time and effort.
What I fear is the inevitability of it all.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
9:59 PM
I reject hope because hope has failed me so many times.
I embrace cynicism because it's only proven me wrong once or twice.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
12:07 AM
A strange apathy
This disturbing, yet comforting lack of sympathy.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
11:57 AM
Music and books.
Would be a really nice combination if they weren't textbooks and lecture notes.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
12:06 AM
Maybe that time I wondered that it'll all be too late no matter if you show up or not
Maybe that time is now
I don't know how I'll ever be able to dare to move again
It may be by really little
But for once in my life I can really say that I fear being hurt more than I fear being alone.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, April 15, 2011
1:05 AM
Day by day.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
2:04 AM
Graduate.
Get a shitty job.
Work my brains out.
Satisfy my unhappiness with my job by buying stuff.
Meet a girl who claims to love me but is really only interested in how successful and rich the guy she's dating is.
Get married.
Have kids.
Slog the rest of my life away.
Die.
Is that how it's really supposed to be?
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
9:30 PM
Slow down.
Don't be so desperate to live fast
To only die faster.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
11:39 PM
There was never a moment I tried to remember you, because there never was a moment I forgot you.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:32 PM
Slowly.
Bit by bit.
Carving out my own destiny.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, April 11, 2011
9:43 PM
If you tilt your head sideways and look at the months on the side of this blog, they look like waves.
Just reminded me of the saying:
Time and tide wait for no man.
.
.
.
Carpe diem.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:37 PM
Fear isn't the right word do describe it.
I think it's more of a mixture of awe and envy.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
2:37 AM
Sometimes in life, when you want something, you can't hope for it to fall into your lap.
You have to fight for it.
You have to kill for it.
You have to grab that motherfucker by the throat and choke it and make it yours.
The strong didn't get strong by realising how strong they were one day.
They're strong because all their lives, they've known exactly how weak they were.
You don't change if you think everything's ok.
You can't move forward if you don't accept that you're weak.
Yes, I'm weak.
So are you.
But can you accept that fact and move on
Or are you just going to stand there and watch as everyone else passes you by?
I used to think that not changing was a sign of strength.
That holding on to things that seemed pointless to everyone else was admirable.
But not anymore.
I've had enough of that.
I am weak.
And I want to be strong.
So I need to change.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:03 AM
Bryan, you have to study.
Distracting yourself with pointless shit is not going anywhere. Finals are 3 weeks away.
Buck up please.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
11:44 PM
It's hard to be straightforward in this world.
When everyone doesn't want to hear the truth.
But prefer the sweet lies and nothings.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
11:11 PM
I don't know why I feel so unmotivated and like life is so meaningless recently.
lone wolf syndrome.
10:55 PM
You're the girl I went after
Like a horse after
The carrot on the stick
I ran after nothing
Cos you
Were never really waiting
But I've done it before
I'll do it again
You weren't the first
And you will definitely not
Be the last
That I gave
My heart to
But your memory
Haunts me like a spectre
Reminding me that
There will always be
Girls like you
And that
There will always be
Guys like me
So I should save myself
Like those virgins
Except it's not a matter
Of physical vulnerability
I shall save myself
For someone who loves me
And I really don't know
How long that will be
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
10:02 PM
I realised I've stopped looking at people and started looking beyond them.
I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
I guess in some ways it has to be.
I've mentioned before, apathy is perhaps one of the strongest forces in this world.
And when I start looking past people, I stop noticing them.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:34 AM
In the end I still ever so stupidly just want the best for you.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:32 AM
Sometimes it feels like cheating.
But in fact, those are the rules the game is played by.
And it took me long enough to accept that.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:22 AM
A man never forgets the woman he couldn't have. A woman never forgets the man she could have had.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
5:09 PM
lone wolf syndrome.
4:36 PM
I really really made the right choice.
Even talking about you makes me wonder how you're doing and whether you're alright.
Deleting you off facebook forced me to not have a choice but to learn to live without that knowledge.
Deleting your number and msn forced me to not have an option to talk to you and find out.
I may be the dumbest guy alive but I still hope you're doing alright.
I don't think I'll forget you.
I think one day there'll just be someone or something that will overwhelm the memory and thoughts of you.
