What matters is how much that person is willing to love you back.
lone wolf syndrome.
UBW
4:02 PM
I am the bone of my sword
Steel is my body and fire is my blood
I have created over a thousand blades
Unknown to Death, Nor known to Life
Have withstood pain to create many weapons
Yet, those hands will never hold anything
So as I pray, Unlimited Cynicism Works.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Talk is cheap
10:25 PM
You are at your loudest; not when you flap your lips.
The room stops and stares; when you move your feet.
Empty vessels make the most noise; because they have yet to understand.
Sometimes, stop, listen. Rather than
Talk for hours, and do nothing at all.
Promise the sky and moon; swear upon your soul
To deliver, or the devil take your head.
When sometimes, the best alternative
Is to just do as you've said.
Talk is cheap and talk is plenty.
But it takes someone special, to make that talk reality.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:49 PM
I really hope I didn't permanently damage my vocal chords today.
It feels kinda... weird now.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:36 AM
Ok Bryan, you need to fucking sleep after this episode.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
12:52 AM
I keep hearing Last Goodbye on the radio more often nowadays.
Hope it doesn't become overplayed like Train's Drops of Jupiter.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:52 AM
No gods or devils. No angels or demons. No group of people controlling the world. Not the greatest person to ever live. Not the worst. Just people. Just a person. Just like you and me.
Ok now I know how cats feel coughing up hairballs and it is NOT FUCKING PLEASANT.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
4:29 PM
When I'm bored, I talk to myself via this space on the internet.
This little corner in the millions, billions, trillions, gazillions, googols of bytes of information out there.
And interestingly enough, talking to myself sometimes produces fascinating topics.
Oh sure, I already had these conversations some other time in my head (most of the time when I'm staring at the ceiling wondering why the fuck am I not sleepy yet) but it's different when I actually type it out, when I solidify my thoughts into words.
It's like draining the essence of my ideas; my original conversation being this messy, convoluted meeting of sorts between Cynic Bryan, Realist Bryan, Optimist Bryan, Hero Bryan, Everyman Bryan blah blah blah.
It's more of a summary than a conversation. Yet more of a dialogue than an monologue.
It's funny, I don't really know how to describe it either, but it basically captures all these conflicting perspectives and puts them magically into words.
It's fun.
The process of juicing my thoughts for these little coherently structured insights is actually very fun. Maybe I'm just the type who enjoys higher cognitive processes but hell, I like it.
I like writing when it's about conveying something I want to say but may be a possibly abstract concept. I like talking to myself and letting that talk put other people into my shoes.
Huh, I guess this is one of the few times my posts aren't dealing with me being depressed/pissed off/cynical about something. Oh well.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:04 PM
After so many days of supper, overeating Malaysian hawker food and getting high, it's time to start being healthy again @_@
100 reps let's go.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:12 PM
The courage to change the things I can, The serenity to accept the things I cannot,
And wisdom to know the difference.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:41 AM
Thank God I didn't go dinner with the family yesterday.
I always get dragged into shit I never start and other people cannot finish.
lone wolf syndrome.
5:02 AM
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
Become so tired, so much more aware.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
10:48 AM
Lost voice, lost temper, definitely lost some shape with all the suppering.
But in the end, I gained many more important things instead.
Arts Camp hell yeah.
lone wolf syndrome.
10:47 AM
There's still 7 oceans worth of you here, in the world you left behind. That's why this ship is haunted.
I like watching people struggle because it brings out the best, and sometimes, the worst in them.
It is only against all odds that you see a person's true potential realised.
And I'm definitely not the only one.
Don't you enjoy it when the underdog wins?
Didn't you support Chris Medina in American Idol?
Don't you like it when a sports team can make an unbelievable comeback? Especially if it climaxes in the last few minutes of the game?
Don't you enjoy rags-to-riches stories about people with absolutely terrible backgrounds, abusive parents or even better yet, no parents to speak of, who manage to make it big eventually?
Everyone likes watching people struggle.
But they all just dismiss whoever fails.
Mostly because, more often than not, it reminds them of themselves.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:16 PM
You can't always please everyone.
In fact, if you attempt to please everyone, the likelihood is that you'll end up pleasing no one instead.
So I always make it a point to I please myself before I think about pleasing anyone else.
Please yourself. Piss people off. Make enemies.
That's how you know who your true friends are.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
2:11 PM
Man, why did I dream about you?
I feel a little guilty now.
Especially since the dream was... that.
It's been so long.
Maybe it's just a longing for happier times.
Yeah, just that and nothing more.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:15 AM
This non telegraphic punch shit is hard to pick up :/
lone wolf syndrome.
12:37 AM
I don't understand how people can even conceive of the notion that other's life experiences can be a perfect subset of theirs.
No, there are things you know and have done that others might not know or experienced before and likewise there are things that others know and have done which you have not before.
Don't be an assuming, self righteous prick.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
8:15 PM
It's never a one off incident la.
It's an epidemic.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:30 PM
Sometimes it's ironic how you can give up on people and yet at the same time crave some genuine human contact.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:13 AM
They always say you cannot wait for things to fall in your lap
That you need to chase them and work towards them
But sometimes, waiting for things to fall into your lap is the only way you'll ever get them.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
11:51 PM
Different.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:57 PM
Interpretation.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:42 PM
I am not afraid of you. There's nothing you can do to me that hasn't already been done before.
Yet still, we're just afraid of everything that's been done being done again.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, June 13, 2011
1:26 AM
And even if you care for them, they will think that you merely care about them.
It's always the misinterpreted intention and it's always because they choose to misinterpret it.
There nothing you can do and it becomes meaningless.
It becomes merely a nihilistic pursuit of understanding, over, and over, and over again.
Futile in every sense.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:21 AM
If you let go, you can achieve anything.
Actually, I knew that a long time ago.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:11 AM
Outlook, outlook, outlook.
Time to practise what Long Phi Burin suggested.
Not only strengthen the body, but strengthen the mind as well.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
11:50 PM
The good guy dilemma.
The point of time where nice guys are sick and tired of being passed on for assholes and reach this crossroad where they have to decide: continue to be nice and finish last or turn bad and score.
Been here countless times and always walked away with the same decision.
Not that it's anything to be proud of, especially when I have to watch girls hook up with douchebags. It almost feels like making the wrong decision.
But whatever. If they need to look for adventure, need to look for the bad boy they can dream of turning good, need to have that challenge, need to have a boyfriend with a hot bod and insanely good looks, then I don't think I'll be really interested in someone as shallow and immature as that either.
That sort of relationship is a fairy tale. It's like hooking up with the hottest girl who puts out, treats you wonderful, but somehow it never works out.
You know it, I know it, we all know it.
And yet so many of us still chase that dream ideal. Well, not that I blame anyone or anything. It really seems perfect to have a perfect person as a partner. But no one's really perfect. Not yourself, not the other person.
Love should not only be about accepting what a person is, but also what he or she is not. With that 'perfect' partner in mind, we may tend to forget that all the more easily. We get contented, we become used to things and we take the person for granted and vice versa.
Yeah, I have no idea how this relates to the nice guy dilemma, it's more like I'm rambling on now. Oh well.
I leave you with this video then:
lone wolf syndrome.
8:04 PM
My gut feeling is usually right.
lone wolf syndrome.
5:34 PM
Meaninglessness.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:00 AM
Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, June 10, 2011
11:30 PM
Defy logic.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:53 PM
My choice of character in SSF4 is alot like me.
He's lazy, he likes challenges (fighting in his case), and he doesn't like to talk much and leaves it to his actions instead.
He has terrible terrible wake up options because he has no SRK. And that suits me perfectly fine.
I use empty jump a lot as a wake up option. Empty jump is suicidal in many situations and on a pure probability basis, it's a terrible choice. But it works.
Precisely because it's so terrible, no one expects it.
Strategy is like that.
If you're playing a game of rock, paper, scissors let's say. And you let your opponent know you can play all 3, it's a good strategy. Because they have to guess between the 3 options. It's a form of intimidation, it says "I have these 3 cards I can play and you need to guess which one I'm going to play."
It works very well in high pressure situations where your opponent has to quickly make a decision, i.e. in a sports situation with 3 people to pass to.
In SSF4, this would be the idea behind a rushdown/lockdown approach. Flood your opponent with so many choice they cannot decide what to do and end up making mistakes.
It is good strategy, however, it is not perfect.
When you have 3 cards to play, the better strategy is to not even let your opponent know how many cards you have.
By that, they will be guarding against maybe 5, maybe 7 possible attacks. Looking around the pitch at 5 different locations will make the opponent think hard when in reality you only have 3 people to pass to. This is the mind games approach, making your opponent guess what you're going to do when you don't have that many choices.
In SSF4, this is the mix up game. Cross over/cross under/high/low attacks. But of course in every situation you cannot possibly have access to all choices, maybe a few. But your opponent doesn't know that. And in this situation, it must be such that your opponent doesn't have perfect information about everything. i.e. he doesn't know the match up or your character well.
Yet, still, this is not the best strategy. Perfect strategy, if I might be so bold to say, is making your opponent think that out of the 5 possible choices (when in reality you only have 3), you only have 1 (or 2 which is more believable).
This is akin to looking at only 1 place in the pitch and passing to a completely different location. In a game of rock, paper, scissors, only using 2 throughout the whole game and forcing your opponent to think that you will not use the last. If you only use 1 out of the 3, even better. It's forcing your opponent to guard against that one and only that one approach and leaves him completely open against the remaining options when you choose to use them (rock, paper, scissors is probably a bad example but the idea is there i.e. play practice rounds with all rock and during the one real thing, use paper or scissors).
In SSF4, this is the bait approach. Intentionally making mistakes or letting your opponent hit you with a move that will whiff at the end so you can punish it.
This is the ultimate mind game. It's called magician's choice.
Many times, it looks like you are able to read your opponent's mind, but the reality is no.
You are merely forcing them to make the choice you have already laid out in front of them.
Because they only know A and B, they will never expect C. And that's the mistake they will make. You save your C and hit them with it when they least expect it and make sure the damage done is so great they can never recover.
This is the perfect strategy because it contains the essence of war. Victory is not escaping from battle unscathed, victory is beating your enemy down so bad they can never ever stand up again no matter how badly you were injured. Let the opponent score a 5 goals, so you can score your 6th with 1 minute left in the game. Let him tear into your flesh to break his bones. Let him gouge your eye in order to rip out his heart.
That, my friends, is perfect strategy.
And what Cody lacks in options, what he lacks in moves, what I lack in physical prowess, ability or technique, I make up for with strategy.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:59 AM
Girls fall in love with their ears.
Guys fall in love with their eyes.
Couldn't be more true.
Maybe one day there'll be someone
Who'll judge me not by how I look or what I say
But by the things I do.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Even when your hope is gone
6:59 PM
lone wolf syndrome.
12:48 PM
Are people really 90% looks?
Because that's the way the world seems to operate.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:43 AM
Sometimes I don't know if it's more tiresome dreaming or not dreaming.
Literally and figuratively.
Holding myself back has become a chore.
It's like always telling me: Stop. Don't go.
But that's the way it has to be.
Not because I want it that way but because it just seems to be the way things work out.
And similarly, I long for dreams, vivid dreams, interesting dreams, dreams that sweep me away from reality.
But at the same time, I hate them, because waking up is like a slap in the face.
It says "Hi asshole, welcome back to the real world."
Dreaming.
The most conflicting thing in the world.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
You know where to look for me
11:19 PM
Don't worry.
Even when the nothings that matter and the nobodies who care are gone.
I'll still be here.
Even when you're running on empty and you've got nothing left to hold on.
I'll still be here.
If you need strength to carry on walking, then borrow my legs.
If you need someone to carry your burden, then borrow my shoulders.
If you need someone to navigate the darkness for you, then borrow my eyes.
But if you need love, I'm sorry.
I can't lend you my heart.
Because I gave it many people and it came back to me in pieces.
But if you ever need anything else, you know where to look for me.
I'll still be here.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:10 PM
The world is unfair afterall.
Give me those fucking apples.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:17 PM
I always use DISC profiling to get a better general understanding of people.
A quick breakdown of what DISC is like using the analogy of 'When life gives you lemons'.
S: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
C: When life gives you lemons, carefully analyse them and ponder the possibilities of life giving you these lemons in the first place before eventually deciding to make lemonade.
I: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And then go on to write a book about how to make lemonade from the lemons life gave you and give motivational talks and speeches about making lemonade. But not before boasting to your friends about how you managed to make lemonade from lemons that life gave you.
D: When life gives you lemons, throw the motherfucking lemons back at it and demand apples.
Leaders, successful people, pioneers, normally fall into the D and I categories.
Then again, the biggest losers in life, scrubs, failures, delusional jackasses, also usually fall into those 2 categories.
Being S and C means you'll most likely be mediocre. But that's not a bad thing. You've got less chance to succeed sure, but you're less likely to fuck up as well.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
11:57 PM
It's not like I gave up on understanding people.
But when you start to understand people better, there comes a point when you want to stop understanding altogether.
Everyone is the same on some level.
Even I am too probably; maybe a little different, but generally the same.
People are easy, simple and weak.
Yet they are difficult, complex and strong.
They are walking paradoxes of themselves and of everyone else.
The more they try to fight it, the more they succumb to it.
Human nature, man. Life's a bitch.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:04 PM
So much for hoping I wouldn't have trouble sleeping.
I thought I was no longer an insomniac.
Looks like I'm wrong.
Maybe it's recurring or something.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:24 PM
When you thought you had all the answers...
I changed the questions.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:23 PM
I know you don't want it to matter right now. That's why it matters the most.
And of course I hope I won't have trouble sleeping tonight now I'm back in my room.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:44 PM
Man, I caught my brother's flu.
Looks like I'll be out of commission of a bit.
Maybe that's a good thing too.
Just sleep and rest losts, drink water, read books and chill the fuck out.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:54 AM
Affirmation. Everybody needs a little, sometimes.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
10:26 PM
I've been having AWOL Hearts on replay on my phone for some reason. Hmm.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:21 PM
And to prove my point, here's a video of the man.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:12 PM
Nobody really lives life one day at a time.
That's bullshit.
If they did, they would take nothing in the world for granted.
It reminded me of this story I read, of a man who truly lives life one moment at a time, because he cannot remember the rest.
I feel sad for him, yet at the same time, I envy him, because he is one person who will appreciate everything, take nothing for granted and always treasure what he has because, truthfully, all he has now is all he has.
Is he happy? I wouldn't know. But I can say for sure, every living moment of his life is filled with appreciation for the things he has then and there.
My greatest strength is probably that I don't give a shit.
I should keep it that way.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, June 04, 2011
8:52 PM
When I think about it, I'm actually just living my life the way everyone tells me/expects me to.
It's fine.
I don't need to be outstanding or special, I just want to be happy.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:04 PM
Sometimes, I just really want my innocent ignorance back.
Sometimes, but not all the time.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
10:00 PM
Except the ones you have at night while you're asleep.
The quiet respite from being a dreamless person.
lone wolf syndrome.
1:22 PM
But Bryan, you're not supposed to allow yourself to dream.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:24 PM
I spent the sleepless hours last night thinking about my writing.
And about something I read recently.
And about life basically.
Do I really want a corporate job I may be good at and earn lots of money from but will be unable to control my time well and derive no intrinsic satisfaction from?
No.
Or more accurately, I don't mind it as a job, but as a career? Seriously?
So I thought about writing. That's something I can enjoy doing for itself.
Something that I'm quite confident I can make good at.
Writing as a career.
Somehow feels like one of those leap of faiths you have to take.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:29 AM
They always say you'll find someone.
They always say.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:32 AM
I was just reading through my old entries.
And tears started welling up in my eyes.
Not because of S. or any girl or whatever.
But more because I realised that sometimes there is no choice.
How do you go through my experiences and end up anything but a cynic?
I didn't have a fucking choice, man.
It's not like there was another way to view the things that have happened to me.
To be like, optimistic and Oh! Don't worry, look on the bright side!
The bright side of my backside more likely.
There was only one lesson to be learnt from all this.
I didn't have a choice, I was never given one.
I started feeling sad because everything I post is just a confirmation of what-I-don't-want-to-admit-yet-have-no-choice-but-to.
I honestly wish the world isn't like this, that people aren't fucked up, that everything can be perfect and awesome and whatever.
But I can't view it any other way.
I wasn't given a fucking choice, dammit.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:17 AM
I've come to realise that I approach everything with a ready apprehensiveness now.
A heady dose of worldly skepticism nurtured over the course of two decades.
