So busy and tired these past few days I haven't had a chance to blog.
Well, it's all going to come to an end in a day's time.
School's gonna start again, I'm going to be doing my readings in the deck as usual and have time for myself, my friends and family.
Work sucks balls.
The money is good but still. Work really sucks.
I don't believe how much I cannot wait to actually read some shit Granovetter or Gramsci wrote.
Better than reading shit all these nameless Indians, Pinoys and PRCs looking for jobs in Singapore wrote.
Much, much, better.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, July 25, 2011
9:02 PM
Control the pace of the game.
When they speed up, make them slow down.
When they slow down, force them to speed up and match you.
Never give them a chance to play at their own pace.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:01 PM
I haven't blogged in a long time.
Been too damn busy now that school's almost starting again.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
1:01 AM
Oh I just realised I didn't blog today.
I had some blog post planned but... I completely forgot what I wanted to write.
Weird.
Oh well, bed time.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
10:54 PM
I don't want to check my work inbox. It's going to be filled with Indian, Pinoys and a whole bunch of other people who are applying for positions they are mostly unqualified for.
Uhg. School PLEASE start soon. Even if I have some responsibilities left over when the term begins, it's so much better than having to sieve through 999999999 resumes and finding 2 relevant ones.
Weekends are supposed to be for resting but it seems like the only time I get to do what I really want. Thus, the impromptu drinking session courtesy of TSW, followed by kbox and House Bonding the next day. I slept at least 8 hours, but the whole experience still feels like it happened in one day.
And there's a game tomorrow. My storyboarding is half fucked atm. I kinda disliked the way things unfolded last session because that was NOT what I planned for but someone had to think he knew better, overwrite my authority and move the game along in a completely different direction than I had intended to bring it. The whole fracas actually mindfucked me quite badly, I was very upset with many of the things he did, completely not understanding the setting I had created from scratch.
So yeah, it's really in shambles now. It's like writing the first 20 chapters of the story with the end planned in mind and suddenly, someone writes the 21st chapter, kills off a few important characters and hands it back to you. How the fuck are you supposed to write chapter 22?
I never wanted to be a DM in the first place, but if you insist that I DM, fine. Let me DM my own way please. It's definitely better than a DM who just does dungeon crawls every session.
Fuck, I need to cut my hair. Like after the game or something.
Weekends.
Feel like one hell of a race instead.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:22 PM
Optimists would say that I chose to be cynical and unhappy.
But they wouldn't understand the pessimist's point of view.
Being cynical and unhappy, is the first step to happiness.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:53 PM
Nothing is faster than the speed of thought. I can look at anything and think of you.
I don't know why, regardless of who they are, they always tell you the same lies.
It gets old after awhile, hearing them spout the same nonsense over and over, and not seeing results.
After a long while, it gets colder and you're still there in the rain, waiting, and hoping, and then slowly realising that no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, there are things that you cannot change, that will stay that way, no matter how much you want it to be different.
Then you think you know why, but you can never be sure; you think they tell you the same lies so that someone, at least someone, will be the sucker and walk that straight line.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
9:52 PM
Let others see your ugly side first. That way it makes finding out about you a more pleasant experience.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:28 PM
I think I'll enjoy work more than studying because it doesn't leave me the time or energy to ponder about my existence.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, July 11, 2011
11:59 PM
Everyone's waiting for princes and princesses.
Holed up in their fortresses and castles.
Not daring to venture outside of it
In fear that the Big Bad Wolf may come after them.
And I laugh at how dumb they are
From the confines of my own castle tower.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
10:53 PM
It's not so bad to be disappointed by the things you hold dear.
But when the contrary proves to be less disappointing and more gratifying, what are you supposed to believe in anymore?
lone wolf syndrome.
1:14 PM
Guys are liars.
Guys are assholes.
Guys are dicks.
I'm sick of reading things from people who don't look for the nice guys, break the good ones and then bitch about why they can never find someone just right.
Grow up please.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
11:16 PM
Ok, it's quite a shocker to hear someone you were together with before had a shotgun wedding :/
lone wolf syndrome.
8:31 PM
lone wolf syndrome.
3:02 PM
Man, everyone else's lives seem so much more happening than mine.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
8:38 PM
Ok the lastest chapter of GE really freaked me out.
I half don't want to continue reading it anymore.
It brings back eerily familiar memories and leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.
I really preferred the happier chapters better.
Seeing the last page haunted me. It was almost as if it was drawn and modeled after some photo taken by a hidden camera. And I know very clearly who was in that photo.
I'm again at a loss of how to describe how I feel right now.
It's nostalgia, only wrong, broken... perverted. Instead of feeling a sense of longing and reminiscence, it feels like a crazy burning urge to cut off some part of me and dissociate it as quickly as possible. Throw it away as far as I can. Instead of the kind of joy you feel from reminiscing about happy times, it makes me sick to the stomach; not so much sad or down or disappointed, but really really... disgusted.
But not with myself. No, not at all. Just disgusted by the memory. Disgusted by the hurt, by the pain and agony. I guess it kinda feels like how a tortured prisoner would, many years later returning to the same cell where he was tortured in. It makes you want to puke, it makes you want to get away from it, as far away as possible, through the fastest route out of town.
Like being raped once and forced to sit in the same room with the person who raped you and stare them in the eye. It feels like... some part of me has been violated and I'm forced to remind myself of it.
No, I never want to be in that position again.
I refuse to let myself.
I will bury that memory and wash my slate clean.
Even though I can't cover up the scratches.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
10:23 PM
Isn't it weird how avenge is the verb form of revenge?
I mean, revenge has such a negative connotation to it. It implies some unnecessary attachment to something that requires a similarly unnecessary act of vengeance.
Avenge on the other hard, seems to carry some implication of justice, without the attachment aspect. For example, revenge would be carried out more appropriately for a loved one, or for oneself. An avenger however, need not necessarily be related to those he is trying to avenge. It seems to suggest a sort of nobility and selflessness when used. Revenge on the other hand, reeks of being blinded by anger, hatred and selfishness.
The Avengers are the names of two teams of 'good guys', the Marvel comics one and the British television series one, more recognisable in their live action movie starring Uma Thurman. Yeah, that's how biased the two words are. The Avengers can be good guys but the Revengers (if they ever existed) would probably be a group of very misguided, angsty teens... superpowers optional. I can imagine it now... /wrists and rage quitters.
Ok, that's it. Chao outside motherfuckers.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:17 PM
Hope is for lucky, perfect people. People who never have things go wrong in their life, people who are never truly disappointed, people who have what they hope for actually come true, happy people, attractive people, gung ho, optimistic, never-have-to-care-about-a-thing-in-the-world people (note the difference between not having to care and not caring).
Hope is most definitely, not for me.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:14 PM
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
7:24 PM
Bah, things at the office are really quite messy.
No one is sure what direction to take.
I need to sit everyone down and get a proper discussion going, especially with my mum rather than having "Whatever makes us money" as an answer to everything.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, July 04, 2011
10:33 PM
Fell asleep for what seemed to be an eternity and woke up to discover I'd only been asleep for 3 hours or so.
Either the fever induced sleep just naturally seems longer or the fever destroyed my amygdala and conception of time. ohnoes.
So now I'm sitting here in my room with a semi-headache left over and not sure if I should get more sleep or just chill for a bit. I'm not even sure I'll be able to go back to bed after a 3 hour powernap.
I'm pretty amazed I sat through work today without realising I had a fever till about 5pm.
I mean, the signs were fucking clear. Muscle ache on sat, coma on sunday, feeling extremely cold today. I guess it was probably cos it didn't occur to me that I could possibly survive a day at work while ill. Or that my weakness was fever induced and not the result of me being old and no longer able to recover from a game of soccer in a day.
And my weird-dream-sleep was actually work-idea-filled. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about work while dying, it was pretty amazing. I wonder if that's what delusional people experience.
In other news, I've been finally taken off the holding list by the SAF (fuck), and posted as a Civil Resource Ops Spec somewhere. That probably means Civi Vehicle Requisition Ex. Which means seeing Jolly Fu again. Lol, Jolly Fu. His name always reminded me of MonkJolly from AMP, the level 99 champ who spent all his time online killing MVPs and spammed berries in WoE as if they were white pots/meat. It was almost as if he was transplanted from some high rate server smack into eRO.
And interesting thing of note: The only time perspiring actually feels bearable/comfortable is when you have a fever because the evaporation of sweat droplets cool you down.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
11:28 PM
Maybe you're the reason why all the doors are closed.
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:33 AM
Not playing an MMO in some point of my life, namely now, feels weird.
I can still rant off the names and order of the MMOs I've played.
UO, Dark Ages, eRO PK, devilRO, Rappelz, DDO.
Damn, did it use to take up my time, keep me occupied and all.
But at some point of time I got tired of the whole neverending-grind concept.
RO was the best I guess, WoE was an excellent endgame, and hitting a rebirth 2nd job wasn't that hard.
Till they came up with the transcendent class BS.
And so I played a private high rate server instead.
Rappelz was pure grinding.
DDO? Level cap, but the basically unlimited reincarnations and aiming for completionist and difficulty in levelling reincarnated characters put me off. And the lack of good endgame PvP.
Trying out this Superhero MMO (not CoH) a little but not having friends play makes it boring.
I find it weird how me and my bros can get together and just reminisce about memorable times in MMOs.
When AMP lost its castle after SpermShark soloed the emp.
When JAG lost Honglou to AMP and Reunion and MoN gave up defending theirs to defend Honglou.
When we saw Ding~ solo 10 JAG members outside of orc dungeon.
When we discovered how to get Bloody Branches.
When for the first time ever, GodGraveyard owned the whole of ADB... and the server reset the next day.
When we had to take on beckham7 and he just wouldn't die.
"I kill you in 2.5 seconds" lol.
When we PKed a bunch of KSers in moons.
Hmm, come to think of it, the majority of the memorable shit came from Rappelz and RO.
DDO is kinda... meh. Raids are so common they hardly even leave an impression.
I guess nowadays MMOs just lack that flavor of the past. Something that wants you to keep playing them. Not merely progression, but a social aspect to it. People need you, you need them.
I miss AMP. That was one hell of a guild. Strongest High Wiz, Paladin, Lord Knight, Two Handed Fighting Lord Knight, Champion, Sniper, and High Priest in the game. We had so many top LKs it was crazy. Then again, JAG had the strongest pure str/vit LK.
I miss Rappelz for other reasons. The guild wasn't strong, and guild war wasn't a major part of the game for me, but I liked Elysium. It was sad to watch it crumble and die. And even my guilds, though there were many problems, yeah, it was fun. I learnt never be a guildleader unless you have unlimited free time.
In contrast, I don't miss DDO as much. Too... transient. Sure I spent a year and a half on the game, but it was different.
Maybe I stopped playing MMOs because real life now gives me what I used to enjoy in it.
Or maybe I just don't enjoy what I used to anymore. Who knows.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:18 AM
I'm sick of labels.
They come full of fail.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
10:05 PM
I guess there's one thing that I lack a lot when it comes to putting myself into other's shoes.
I can't understand them sometimes because I cannot understand why they cannot understand what I understand.
Ok, that was fucked up, let's try again.
I can't understand them sometimes because I cannot understand why they are unable to put themselves in other people shoes like I can.
There must be some word for this. Irony? Paradox? Oxymoron?
So in the end being able to empathize/sympathize becomes the obstacle in attempting to do so.
Lame.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:51 PM
Slightly beginning to understand how those crazy otakus can obsess over and even marry characters from some bishojou game and why there are so many romance manga of a fantasy nature, with scenarios that could never occur in real life.
Girls in there will never disappoint you, they will never fail you. You can only say you failed yourself for not doing the correct thing, for not choosing the correct options in the progress of the dating sim. They are perfect in every sense of the word.
And precisely because they are perfect, they are just a dream.
This perfect dream that people sometimes willing let themselves be absorbed in.
And ironically, such fantasies are enticing because they do resemble the real world. Only minus bullshit, minus expectations.
I mean it's fine to live a lie as long as you don't know or are able to convince yourself you're not living one. What matters is that you're happy, right?
Right?
lone wolf syndrome.
7:40 PM
There's so much variety, if only you'd care to open your eyes and see.
lone wolf syndrome.
5:15 PM
You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, July 01, 2011
12:41 AM
But Plasticine pegs don't fit into holes, regardless of their shape.
