I have come to realise that I am one or two steps away from the last stages and it scares me to no end.
This is the only option; this is my Nash equilibrium.
And that helplessness that I feel terrorizes me every single time I think about it.
Or maybe I'm already at the stage beyond salvation and I've not realised it yet.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 23, 2012
11:08 PM
Yeah, so I accidentally deleted 4 months worth of posts. This is my best attempt at restoring them from the cached pages I retrieved.
Monday, March 12, 2012
12:00 AM
I have so many things to say.
But I know its pointless because there is no one to say it to.
Because even if I used all the words in the world to try and describe it.
There's nothing you could possibly understand unless you lived it out in my place.
Unless you experienced what I have, and walked a mile in my shoes.
I don't say things not because I have nothing to say.
I don't say things because sometimes words cannot convey the vividness, the magnitude and the weight of my thoughts.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
8:14 PM
Sometimes I wonder, is this it?
Is the monotonous drone of purposelessness precisely what my life is reduced to?
Is it supposed to be this way?
I can only hope that my suspicions are wrong and that there is so much more to it.
But my heart is empty and I'm broke.
And I can't buy any more hope to fill it up and get it moving.
lone wolf syndrome.
8:10 PM
And yet, when you get here, you are not given instructions. No one tells you that heart A is meant to slot into heart B. There are no diagrams about how you are meant to live each day or directions on how to assemble some semblance of happiness. You are not even told what colours to paint your feelings or, given a purpose and a reason for your life.
You have to make all of it up. You have to make all of it, yourself.
There's only one way to describe Holyland. Captivating.
I think possibly, like them, I'm a creature of the streets too.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:24 PM
The most debilitating illness in the history of mankind is not cancer. It's not AIDS. It's not the Black Death. It's not Bird Flu, swine flu, stupidity or ignorance.
It's called the disease of me. The disease of self centredness, of selfishness, of envy, of greed, or avarice.
The greatest disease mankind has every experienced is apathy.
When you only think of yourself and cannot feel for others, you kill your heart. You progress, yes. But at what cost?
And ironically, this disease of apathy is promoted, praised and even venerated in modern society. We are thought that people are worse of because they deserved it. We are taught disgust and pity, and not fear that we ourselves might one day be in their shoes.
We are made nigh invulnerable to these conditions; and yet forgotten when they happen to us. We are taught to put ourselves first, and that we do, in practice. We forget. We only remember ourselves.
In my opinion, that sort of strength is artificial, transient, temporary. All strength fades, all wealth dilutes and all power eventually crumbles. It is only when you are strong together, when you help people become strong, that you gain true strength, that you free yourself from the bonds of apathy and self centredness and embrace the fact that others being strong means being strong together that the human race is truly able to advance past its limits.
I fear for humanity because it seems that this disease has stripped us of our ability to envision that sort of future. That the elite few have recognised that collective strength is a threat to them and have thus pitted ourselves against each other that we may never come to the realization that we need to stand together and not apart.
The greatest leaders are afterall, not the most talented themselves, but the ones who are able to recognise the strengths of others. Maybe one day, we will eventually be free of this disease.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
12:50 AM
Sometimes my ink dries
And the words cannot flow
As clear as they always do
As the stifle inside of me grows
The ones you see here
Are not the ones that I want to type
They are not the reflection
Of how I feel inside
Instead a proxy;
An attempt to describe
But without description
An analogy, of the thoughts that rage inside
It may seem paradoxical to most
But the ones who've lived it will
Understand this odd feeling
Of being unable to feel
Of not knowing how, or what, or when
Or who, or why, to express this
Convoluted strand
Of thought; this way of thinking
This poetry of naught
It is the clearest of all messages
And yet the most silent of all screams
The knot in your throat when you choke
Translated, transformed, transfigured
Into words inside my head
Into words at my fingertips
Into words on the screen; and yet
These words not reflect
The message I want to send
It's like the backspace key is held
It's like the undo is on loop
It's like everything I want to say
Is somehow not there
The flow is jarring; the words come slow
Because I am not
Writing because I want to
I am writing
Because I cannot
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
2:36 AM
I've been experiencing an ache in my abdomen recently and it just flared up a couple of minutes before. Maybe it was because I was sitting in some weird position, but after I shifted to a normal sitting position, the pain became really sharp. I have no idea what it is, I hope it's nothing serious. The hypochondriac in me went to check various websites for possible causes but nothing really seems to match. Will see how it goes.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, February 03, 2012
6:20 PM
The price of victory is steep.
It is an all consuming pursuit and few know the cost of it.
To win is not to simply win.
To win is to achieve complete domination over your adversary, to win entirely, completely and outrightly.
And it all the more consuming if your conditions for victory as the same as your opponents.
I always meet people who give up, who accept lesser victory conditions than those they originally agreed upon, who delude themselves, who convince themselves "they won" when they meet an enemy they cannot best.
These are the people I consider losers.
Rather, the ones who admit they are defeated to come back another day and try again, are the winners.
lone wolf syndrome.
6:03 PM
If everything was easy, nothing would be worth it.
But people forget that things that are too hard are not worth it either.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
10:49 PM
The world is an irony.
And people are the authors of their own tragedy.
lone wolf syndrome.
My weakness is that I care too much
8:17 PM
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
2:21 AM
I can't sleep.
My heart's too empty and my head's too full.
They say that you'll be contented if you look at others who are worse off than you rather than those who are better off.
But I look at those who are worse off and realise that if God is fair, he'd give so many more people in this world a shot at happiness first, because I had mine and I fucked it up so bad.
It's so stifling and choking. I don't even know if any metaphor or analogy could describe the way I feel on sleepless nights sometimes.
It's like your heart is outside your body, but you know it's dying so bad, but you can't feel it that well anymore. Everything's just a little numb; your scream can't reach your throat and your tears don't reach your eyes.
If people have knots in their stomachs, I have a knot in my chest. Right where my heart used to be.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
12:34 AM
I don't really have motivation to study. I just sort of do what I think needs to be done. What I should be doing. Yeah, that's the perfect way to describe it. If I find interest in it, it's just a plus point, it's not like I was really enthusiastic about it from the start.
Sometimes I wonder if that's the way I've come to view every little thing in life.
Boring.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:32 AM
Making you regret what you did to me is not 'me winning'.
It's everyone still losing.
Well, first of all, there are many types of insomnia. It's just that people use the blanket term insomnia to cover all having-trouble-sleeping related disorders.
a) Can't fall asleep - Note, this is not what is happening when you are on your computer at 5am in the morning. It's about you lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or closing your eyes, feeling sleepy as hell and yet not being able to fall asleep.
b) Not sleepy/don't want to sleep - refer to the above
c) Woke up and can't get back to sleep - happens often to light sleepers who get awoken after they've completed their 4 hours of core sleep. Lacking REM sleep is a huge problem for the next night's sleep. Normally feel perpetually tired during the day.
d) Woke up before alarm naturally and can't sleep - well, what it says. You basically have less sleep than you need.
I've experienced a, b and now I'm experiencing d. It's quite annoying to be honest. It could be hereditary or something cos my dad suffers from c. Maybe I should be like the Owl City guy and make use of the time I'm awake... somehow.
Good night.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
2:35 PM
I have to go to a Hindu temple soon to take some photos for my Soci of Religion mod.
The lecturer says that we need to break out of our comfort zones, especially in this module.
I look at it differently though, I think it's more about intruding into the comfort zones of others that concerns me and not so much breaking out of my own comfort zone. I mean hey, just be polite, ask permission and snap some shots, what's there to be nervous or afraid about? It's the reactions of people who may possibly be uncomfortable about what I'd doing that bother me and not so much my own.
I guess this is like the thing about the First Ammendment/Illusion of Freedom blah blah, where if your freedom to do something infringes upon the freedom of another person's freedom to do something else (or the same thing that matter) then you do not possess that freedom under the eyes of of the law/society/people/ect.
Ok, time to go take some photos.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
3:11 AM
The most ear piercing screams are ironically the ones that no one hear.
The silent scream in the middle of night, in the heads of the billions of this world.
And I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, January 20, 2012
3:27 AM
Wow, I've been one negative motherfucker recently.
I should write happy things.
But then again, this isn't the place to write happy things.
And happy things are so... unrealistic to write about.
Probably why the greatest pieces of literature in the world are always tragedies.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
4:46 AM
I gave up on love a long long time ago.
That Sweden and Singapore video just makes me more cynical and pessimistic.
No hope inspired, no hope lost.
Cos I realised that it takes doesn't matter how much you love someone, but instead how much that someone is willing to love you in return.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Play to win
1:14 AM
I realised that no matter how tired I get of everything in this world, one thing still sustains my interest.
Gaming.
Not just playing games, heavens no. Not just videos games or card games, that's too limited. Not just playing a game but the art of deconstructing a game to its core, understanding the basic themes of winning and losing and the strategies to be taken before others have even understood how to play the game. My speciality is analysing systems and breaking them down to fulfil our defined success conditions. Macro, micro, everything.
And anything in this world can be a game, only depends on how you define "winning" and "losing". Sports, gambling, exams, climbing the corporate ladder, anything. Even life.
I am a gamer, and a fucking good one at that. And I always play to win. And just because your conditions for "winning" and "losing" are different from mine, doesn't mean I "have no life" or "am boring" or "am a wuss". It just means you understand the game differently from me. And the chances are you probably understood it wrongly.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
4:50 PM
I love it when people underestimate me.
They scratch the surface and they think they know everything there is.
They think they can fit me into their cute imaginary two dimensional boxes.
They make assumption about everything from the way I am, to the things I do, to what I'm capable of.
Maybe one day they'll find out and be surprised by everything.
But unfortunately for them, the majority think they know me well enough and lose interest in knowing any more long before that time comes.
Those who realise that I'm more than meets the eye get to stay around to experience the good stuff.
The others, they're not really important to me anyway.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
3:08 AM
Despair - the state of no hope. Not hopelessness. Not the lack of hope but the complete absence of hope.
The knowledge that hope is non-existent, that it is already impossible.
Not clawing around searching for it; instead, trying to find a delay, an aversion, some way to escape the consequences that you know are coming. Refusal to admit and accept that there is no way, despite clearly being aware of the fact.
That is despair. And I know that feeling fucking well.
I am only able to remain calm in the most fucked up of circumstances because I despair every single day.
And there is nothing more absolute than despair.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
5:23 AM
I really don't want that to be my future. No.
Not a dismal enforcement of everything I've abhored.
Yet, it seems so eventual.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
4:27 AM
It is only when I am at my worst that I am at my best.
When the world slows down, and I can literally pick the breeze from the wind.
Only when I am beyond reprieve, at the very brink of wakeful consciousness and the inability to distinguish dreams from reality that I can pull this off.
It is only after countless nights of meandering and staring at ceilings that I am able to arrive in this state. So tired, so fucked up, so numb, so irrelevant and yet so everything becomes so clear.
It's like a high on life, except it's a high on everything not life.
It's like wishing for the things to happen and yet hoping at the same time, knowing deep down inside that they never will.
And then when you come back to reality, time has stopped. It hasn't moved. You can consider the world, relive your entire memories and everything just stays still. So you drift around again.
I don't know what is this feeling nor do I try to understand it. I only knows it's not healthy. Relieving, comforting, retreatist, but definitely not healthy.
The world slows down. Except that it hasn't. Time doesn't change, only my perception of it. I have infinite time, because I have no raison d'etre; because time is empty without meaning to it.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
2:46 AM
The few things that you can never obtain with your own ability.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
3:52 PM
Gnawing frustration.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, December 09, 2011
2:46 AM
Afraid of change? No, hardly.
I am afraid of changing things for the worst when you always have the option of leaving things as it is.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
3:53 AM
Three dimensional being trapped in a two dimensional life.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
8:26 PM
I still haven't found it yet, after all this time.
