Sunday, March 31, 2013
11:44 PM
The most important person you should satisfy is yourself.
Only when you're content with yourself can you be content with other things.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
10:55 PM
Life, you're so strange.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
12:05 AM
I might be preferring to stay at work instead of coming home after today.
Home has become nothing more than a place to eat and rest. There's no sense of belonging here any more. I don't feel at home when the people here do not respect my basic rights such as privacy, personal space and treat me like I'm always wrong. At least at work, I only get fucked if I make mistakes and of course the occasional other people cock up and I get blamed.
Ah but home, at home, everything is my fault regardless of who made it. And the excuse is always "Bryan, you always think you're right and can never see when you're wrong", I think I can pretty damn well see when I'm wrong thank you very much. I make mistakes and fuck up all the time and you don't see it but I take responsibility for it. Go ahead and ask the people who I've worked with, for anything. Project mates, colleagues, ex-colleagues, friends, ect. It's one of the things that I think people recognise that I do. I literally say "IT'S MY FAULT" when I make mistakes and implicate other people in it so the punishment falls on the right person (me) and not someone who was merely implicated. Not acknowledging/recognising a mistake and not wanting to accept blame for something that is not your fault are two very different things.
Whoever invented this reward-punishment system (my parents) obviously didn't know what the fuck they were doing.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 22, 2013
12:44 AM
I wish I knew which one of my friends it is who stalks my blog with a mac. I mean, I can see the hits you know. Just say hi or something, I don't think you're creepy.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:41 AM
The less time I have to think about it, the less I think about it.
So no time = no thinking about it. Seems legit.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, March 18, 2013
12:09 AM
I don't understand it. I've done everything I could, filled my life with things that I have to do and still there's this gnawing sense of desperation. It's like I've done everything yet achieved nothing. It's like I'm doing everything except that which I truly want to do.
Is this what anomie is supposed to feel like? That sense of being lost in a torrent of duties and tasks and yet never achieving something fulfilling. That strange odd sense of bothersomeness that troubles you in the middle of the night when you're just up thinking of nothing in particular. That incredibly incredibly dreadful sense of loneliness; that there will never be anyone who could possibly understand what you're doing through, yet the implicit acceptance that you're not the only one experiencing it - the difference being that it is a unique feeling for everyone who does.
I'm starting to think that I'm slowly going crazy, that the meaninglessness will one day feel so strong that it will take over my entire being and define me. That it will break me and make me unwilling to accomplish anything else. That I'll recluse myself from society and the unending socially defined means of behaving; all meaningless, constructed to serve some higher purpose. I have no idea what the fuck it is I'm feeling, but I know one thing for sure. It's chronic. It's growing bigger and bigger every day, nipping away at my sense of self and my sanity and I don't know how to control it.
I used to think that there would be a day I'd find some thing, a raison d'être that would help me outgrow this feeling. That it's a phase that I'm going through. Growing out of it would only be natural. But no. I've come to understand that there may be nothing in this world that can rid me of this feeling. Perhaps this is the curse that I'm born with. The price to pay for the gifts I was given. If that is true, and I will one day go mad and lose all sense of reason then perhaps I am right to try and hurry to live my life. That I grew up faster. Because my life as I know it may end faster than anyone else.
There are no words.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
2:12 AM
If there was anyone in the world who'd come, it'd be him
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 15, 2013
12:18 AM
But all those who thought of us incapable; never really learnt what we were capable of.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
9:23 PM
I smiled because I knew the scam and I knew it too well. But still I smiled over how pleasant it was, giving dreams to those who can't expect them.
lone wolf syndrome.
9:22 PM
I haven't tasted the smell of rain in the longest time.
lone wolf syndrome.
Friday, March 08, 2013
9:52 PM
I realised today that it's true. Everyone has their own special ability.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, March 02, 2013
3:20 AM
I really wonder if I grew up too fast.
lone wolf syndrome.
