Tuesday, August 27, 2013
10:38 PM
Edited my previous post with more coherent thoughts. I should keep a dream diary or something.
lone wolf syndrome.
12:23 AM
I don't usually blog in bed but this time is an exception.
I just had a nightmare. An angry nightmare. I've had sad nightmares, unfair nightmares, lonely nightmares, jealous nightmares, every single type of nightmare you'd imagine. Not all nightmares need to be scary in themselves, because what we experience in the nightmare itself is what we are afraid of.
What I mean is it doesn't need to be the bogeyman chasing you down a street for it to be a nightmare. Having a dream about your significant other cheating on you for example, is a nightmare that evokes the primary feelings of sadness or jealousy, but is something that we're afraid of. You fear the possibility of it just like any other nightmare. Fear may not be the primary emotion you're experiencing, but is still the outcome of the dream.
I'm guessing I'm one of the few people who have angry nightmares. People have always told me that I have a bad temper. Actually I have a very good temper, very few things affect me. It is an explosive temper that they are referring to. One that comes suddenly, swiftly and without warning (I don't blow up randomly, I just don't let people know when I'm losing my temper). And the consequences are, as you'd imagine, that I do things I wish I didn't sometimes.
Angry nightmares are pretty damn scary to me. I wake up feeling the leftover rage; my heart is pounding, the feeling of wanting to vent is still there as I try to sort out what's real and what isn't and even after I've figured out it's only a dream, the residual fury seethes out a little. It's hard to go back to sleep immediately because of how I feel. Hot. Bothered. Furious.
I almost always end up doing something reckless or just downright uncharacteristic of me in those nightmares. I might destroy something, hurt someone, even kill someone. And you know what the scary thing is? I like it. The feeling of venting the rage is a pleasant experience to me. Being unable to vent makes it more of an unfair nightmare than an angry one. That doesn't mean I enjoy it though, because I'm immediately filled with fear or anxiety. Anger is not a pleasant emotion and yes, venting helps it pass but it makes you feel weak as well, as though you expunged all of yourself in that act of violence. It makes you feel afraid of yourself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that nightmares don't always have to be scary. And I might have some repressed anger management issues but that's a blog entry for another time. Good night folks, I'm going to try and go to sleep again.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
11:44 PM
So I wrote a continuation piece to the unnamed "Widening tear" poem I wrote a long time ago.
Because something today made me realise that that specific relationship had become... well nothing.
You can find the original piece here:
http://ohmygodwtf.blogspot.sg/2012_12_01_archive.html
Somewhere, anyway. I don't know how to link the individual posts.
Anyway, I never named most of my poems. But for this one, the title came naturally for some reason.
It just seems right that it emphasizes the transient nature of what we at the moment in time considered to be something very important to us. I still feel it a little sometimes. It's a frantic emotion, a small little scream to try and not let it die. A very tiny short, burst of nostalgia. But then it goes away.
I know that reality is different. No matter what you feel or do, nothing is going to change some of the facts of life, so I have to accept it or wallow in my sorrow forever.
And I chose.
lone wolf syndrome.
Dreams of Stardust
11:36 PM
Now that the tear is done
The doors are closed
The time has come
To be reminded of those
Who took not the hand
Who forsook the land
Who gave up on everything
We had shared
Time passes by
And
I slowly remember
Am quietly reminded
Of the things that no longer matter
Of you, of us, of dreams of stardust
Reminded not by
Your presence
But rather
Your absence
Reminded because
I no longer remembered
That I had to feel the way I did
When you were not present
The feeling I had dreaded
Now comes so naturally
The fear I had
that I would not recall
how it felt
when you were with me
The feeling that now
is reality.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
9:25 PM
The truth is that I've seen people with less than me and who are yet happier than me.
It makes me wonder if that is the side we choose to portray to others intentionally; that we are all sad lonely beings inside.
Or maybe it's just me.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:12 AM
It is a great misfortune to be aware of the impropriety of my drunk thoughts.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, August 19, 2013
12:21 AM
Mum starts ranting about how she's gonna be telling my future wife about all my bad habits/points/tendency to argue/annoying characteristics before I get married randomly at dinner table after I annoyed her today.
Lol. If you knew me better Mum, you'd realise that's the first thing they'd learn about me. I don't put forth my nicest image first, I usually put my ugliest and see who's still willing to look past it.
I know what my weaknesses and bad points are, but I don't see a need to change them. Not now, not for anyone yet. How I wish you were able to see your own flaws the same way I see mine though, because you'd realise how funny you sound.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
2:39 AM
Ok think positive, think positive. There's a lot of evidence that proves that not everyone is as fucked up as you think. A lot.
Focus on the positive. Don't be pessimistic.
lone wolf syndrome.
2:36 AM
Terrible realizations about human nature (myself included) make me really want not to be up alone late on weekends thinking and contemplating about it.
If it wasn't for the fact that Swee was on course, I'd be getting my ass drunk right now.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
8:42 PM
There is a unexplicable profound happiness when you realise that you are actually happy with who you are and that you will never change and that the only people who do, are the people who are unhappy with themselves.
lone wolf syndrome.
3:22 PM
Usually the people who give the best advice are the worst at following it, the ones who are always concerned with the happiness of others are the most hurt, the quietest have the loudest minds and the emptiest have the biggest hearts.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
11:15 PM
My words are written
Often
In a fleeting moment of
Desperation
Written in a turbulent panic
An emotional turmoil
Of condescendence
Of hate
But they reveal more than
What people choose to see
What people choose to believe
When they "know" me
Before they know me
I don't claim to be
Something I'm not
But it just disturbs me that
People like to believe
What they want to believe
Despite it being laid out
Plain as day
For you and me
Or anybody
To judge, to approve or disagree
As to whether
This me is me
I can only try
To lay bare the facts
To display the evidence
Of who I be
But how others decide
Which me is me
I have no control over
What they choose to be
So here I am
Writing
My heart and my soul
But they remain stuck
Blinding
Themselves with falsalities
So I stay waiting
For the ones who don't try
Finding
A different me, from me.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, August 12, 2013
12:30 AM
Sometimes it's pure luck. Just one stupid girl to think that you mean more to her than the world ever will.
I guess, that's how it happened to me as well.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, August 01, 2013
10:11 PM
I wonder why I even do this when I can't be bothered to try.
lone wolf syndrome.
