Sunday, December 22, 2013
4:38 AM
Sleep. Now. Bye.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
12:19 AM
That's the thing, you see: We all know what destroys us inside.
And we know we create it ourselves. We manufacture them in our heads; with our dreams and fears and perfect conceptions of what things are supposed to be. We know we are the very ones who decimate our own souls and we allow it.
We allow it because we don't know how anyone else in this world could survive not doing the same; how they'd not go crazy first. But we don't see it as us killing us. We don't see the monster we've created - the "happily ever after" as being part of us. We crave it, we long for it and yet we distance ourselves from it, because we don't want to destroy the suspension of disbelief.
Each and everyone of us have our own versions of Michelles, or Shangri-las, or Limbo. We all possess some imaginary happy place/thing/person we retreat to because and only because that abomination represents everything we think we deserve. They represent our dreams.
They're called dreams because you can never get them and the moment you do, the moment you've achieved everything you've ever wanted, and gotten everything you could wish for is the very same moment you lose it. We create our own misery but we don't realise it, because we've alienated ourselves from them in order to alleviate us from the very same problems that achieving those goals is supposed to resolve.
We don't crave what we crave. We crave the belief in it. We crave the hope it gives us.
We don't have dreams because we have dreams, we have dreams because we have none.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
12:49 AM
Everything escalates,
And everything falls.
And my mind races against its greatest enemy
Itself.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, December 16, 2013
11:00 PM
I just finished Intentional Dissonance. And I must say more than ever Iain Thomas is a fucking genius.
The book, I can relate to in so many ways - moreso that I read it after reading his blog post explaining his decision to stop iwrotethisforyou permanently (at that time anyway). Sadness addicted Jon Salt is a metaphor for sadness addicted Iain Thomas. I only understand because I'm sadness addicted as well.
Tragedy is a much more comfortable feeling than happiness. Because with tragedy, comes the lack of expectations and with the lack of expectations, comes hope. With happiness, comes the expectation that you might lose it one day and with that, brings fear. Tragedy makes you feel shitty now, so you can feel better in the long run. Happiness is fleeting; it's here, then it's gone.
But the main point in the entire story, was basically that we as humans have to learn to transcend ourselves. To be more than human and yet be more human than we ever could. To live like we want to, to cry when sad, to laugh when happy and yet to be beyond all the human errs of emotion.
To not prefer tragedy as a condition.
That transcendence of humanity is the most interesting aspect of the book (apart from the whole damn fucking plot which is brilliant and the subtle clever metaphors he uses). I never expected you to deliver such a message in less than 200 pages Mr Thomas. It was really a very very good read.
To your next publication. And many more years of empathy transcending poetry.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:49 AM
My motto in life is this:
"Someday (maybe everyday) everyone's going to be in a mad rush for something. My goal is to not be part of it."
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
3:07 AM
Most people think insomnia is a "fake" disorder. It just means that you don't want to go to sleep, or you're too busy Facebooking or Tumblring or whatever.
Well, I can tell you it isn't. I sometimes wonder if I suffer from Fatal Familial Insomnia (FFI) and it's developing towards the final stage where I will never be able to fall asleep. I've had problems sleeping for years now. I think I even had it when I started this blog 10 years ago. And it has gotten worse and worse and there's nothing I can really do about it.
Let's talk about the most recent symptom first - the nightmares. I have a nightmare
every single time I fall asleep (not 100% sure if it's every time as I don't keep a dream diary but it's been happening very very often). Then I will wake up from it, have a drink and take a leak before trying to fall asleep again. The reason I do this is because the nightmare is so real that it will leave after images of the dream even when I'm awake and my eyes are open. I can literally see parts of the dream still happening, patchy but there. It's a bit hard to describe, it's kind of like there's another world/dimension and when you open your eyes, you've travelled from one dimension to the other and you can still see through the rift/gateways between them. I need to turn on the lights and "wake up" - that brings me back to our world and the visions will fade. If I try to fall asleep immediately without being fully awake, the nightmares will sometimes continue from where I left off. The pattern of the nightmare is pretty predictable too - because I have become to used to forcing myself awake when I suspect it's a nightmare I'm having (this is not easy at all, believe me), I think my subconscious has learned this and implanted the "dream within a dream" scenarios. Thus stopping me from forcing myself awake because if I think I'm not in the nightmare any more, I'll stop trying. Next characteristic is that I get a lot of the "sleep paralysis" type of nightmares. From my extensive experience with nightmares and sleep paralysis, I realised that they are actually the same thing. Sleep paralysis is just a very specific type of nightmare - one where you are conscious of your sensations and your body (and thus feel it not moving) and yet not aware that you are still dreaming. You think you're awake, try to move your body, can't and then you freak out. The worst ones are the ones where there's a big bad wolf somewhere in your room and you can't move your body (I call these the real sleep paralysis nightmares). It's not that much of a hassle though, the nightmares. I fall asleep pretty easily (99% of the time) after waking up. It's just that the 1 or 2 hours I was "asleep" and having the nightmare doesn't really feel like rest at all sometimes.
Next, is my brain - it just can't stop thinking. I have no idea why this happens but my mind cannot stop thinking unless it is sufficiently fatigued. I suspect this has something to do with the nightmares; there are times my body is tired but my mind is still active and if I try to go to bed the likelihood of experiencing sleep paralysis becomes very high. So I play video games, I read, I do a whole bunch of things to wear my brain out before I sleep. The worst thing that can happen if I can't stop thinking is basically... I don't sleep. At all. I just stay awake the entire night and go to work the next day. This doesn't happen very often but it has definitely happened and I felt like my heart was going to give out and I was just going to collapse and die the next day on a couple of occasions. What does happen more often is that I don't get enough sleep because I spend too much time in bed just staring at the ceiling and thinking. Hopefully, letting my mind wander till it's wary and ready. And that process takes time. A lot of time sometimes - on average 30 mins to fall asleep, on a bad day it can be up to 2 hours. On a shit day, it can be up to 4 hours sometimes.
Lastly, is the difficulty in waking up. If you've tried waking me up before, you will know how difficult a process it can be. Unless I get 8 hours of rest, my mind refuses to wake up sometimes. It will just send a signal to the body and tell it that it's not ready, it wants to go back to sleep. Now this usually isn't a problem. I just hit snooze and wake up gradually (sometimes over multiple snoozes). It becomes a problem however, when I intend to wake up completely and my mind says "not yet, back to bed" and bam, I'm dreaming. When that happens - I miss my exams, I'm late for work, I miss appointments, a whole bunch of shit. Thankfully like I said, it doesn't happen often. But it still makes it a terrible feeling getting out of bed to get ready every morning.
So yeah, next time someone says they have insomnia, I don't mind your skepticism at the possibility of it being "real" insomnia, but don't be an inconsiderate prick and ask if he was on Facebook the entire night.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
12:22 AM
http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2013/12/i-wrote-this-for-you-just-words-ebook.html
Damn, gonna spend 10USD. Haven't even started Mastery and the Ralph Waldo Emerson Essays yet.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
10:41 PM
The irony is that the people who are the most privileged think that they deserve everything they have because they are
. And the ones who are under privileged owe what they have to "luck". Lucky to basically be in the shithole of society while people who have no redeeming value apart from their inherited wealth/looks have it easy.
And on a slightly less related note, it appears that this mindset is the result of some sort of groupthink - the people who are privileged somehow appear well-connected with other privileged people while this 'special exclusive' access is restricted to the under privileged in many ways. Birds of a feather really do flock together; not only that, they reinforce each other's misguided beliefs.
That is in essence, what is wrong with capitalism and meritocracy. The results of the overemphasis on scarcity makes things (and people) valuable for no reason other than their presumed rarity. You don't find a James Packer or a Melanie Iglesias every other day and they are privileged not because they have some capability or ability that others don't; they don't possess some sort of productive potential, but rather simply put, he's rich and she's pretty.
Not sure why I'm so hung up about this today. Time for sleep.
lone wolf syndrome.
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
11:47 PM
Sometimes I feel I should write articles condensing my views and arguments about the various topics of interest to me and put them somewhere up for criticism and response.
Then, I realise - that's not my style. I'm pretty much a very private person and I wouldn't really care if you disagreed with me anyway unless I had some amount of respect for you as a person (which I usually don't for random people on the internet).
I wouldn't be motivated to defend my thesis, and since my views will come across as offensive and controversial, I doubt many people would defend it in my absence. Basically, I'd end up sounding like the raving, narrow minded lunatics who seem to hold some deeply seated prejudices (which I don't, my views are controversial but they can definitely be explained rationally).
Rather, the only way people will ever begin to get an understanding of the logic of my logic is by knowing me as a person and being involved in sincere discussions (interestingly, I've had many of these with close friends and the more talks we have, the more likely they adopt my perspective) about our way of thinking and approaching subjects. Hell, even that is a subject (my favourite one actually) in itself; I love knowing what makes people tick and knowing how they think.
Oh and the fact that I think 90% of the online population would be either too dumb to understand what I'm talking about or would not agree anyway unless they knew me on a personal level (I assume my reputation for telling-it-as-it-is and being extremely analytical has something to do with it; basically people don't assume I'm an idiot), probably has something to do with it (at this point I'd like to note I use brackets a lot; it's actually an interesting phenomenon as what I type in the brackets is what goes on in my head in response to reading what I type).
So unfortunately, I'll probably never be the next columnist for Huffington Post or some other collection of article-y posts web/news-site. I'm more interested in being right than being popular.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, December 02, 2013
8:14 PM
If you want to deal with a sane me on usual days, do not deprive me of 2 things:
1. Sleep
2. Food
lone wolf syndrome.
