Saturday, January 25, 2014
11:59 PM
You drive too slowly down the streets where you once lived but you roll up your windows when you stop at the lights (just in case any of the ghosts try to get in).
I wrote this for you
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
12:10 AM
The nightmares keep coming. It's like trying to prevent me from falling asleep before midnight.
lone wolf syndrome.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
10:42 PM
I wonder if there is a type of character or personality that is just prone to loneliness.
lone wolf syndrome.
7:43 PM
I don't like to stay home on weekends because that leaves me a lot of time to myself.
And when I'm alone with myself I have these conversations in my head.
It gives me time to think, and to confront myself with the reality of life.
And no matter how hard I try to argue or justify against it, I always win.
... I really don't like to think.
lone wolf syndrome.
Thursday, January 09, 2014
11:31 PM
I'm not that good at talking and face to face interaction not because I have nothing to say most of the time but rather because I have too much to say and it becomes too overwhelming to put everything into words across at once. If you're a psychology/medical student and this sounds very familiar, it's probably autism you're thinking of if you've heard of the over-exposure perspective. Autistic people don't feel less, they feel so much more that they have to react in different ways. I guess that's not very surprising considering I always suspected I have Asperger's.
The best way to describe it would be that there is just so much observations I make above and over people that when I try to explain this to them it becomes garbled garbage and only another person adept at sifting through the noise and picking out the details would be able to truly understand what I mean. Some people call it verbal diarrhea, or that I'm socially awkward because I'm saying things that don't make sense or can't read the mood blah blah. So I prefer to keep my observations to myself and share them with the select few who won't jump straight to conclusions about them.
As a result, I am almost always infinitely better at written communication because it gives me time to put my thoughts into an organised, presentable structure that people can slowly take time to understand. It's actually more for their understanding than mine (although I do admit it also serves it means of organising my thoughts occasionally). I guess that also explains my frustration with people sometimes - being unable to notice certain things or place themselves in my shoes annoys me to no end, because I sometimes forget that it's not that they don't want to, but rather because they cannot.
Which also explains why I don't like to write to the people I'm close to but talk to them, regardless of how complicated the idea or observation I'm trying to convey is. I write to people who don't understand me, because I have no patience to re-explain myself if you're not important to me. If I talk to you, I'm willing to make time and effort to explain till I am able to get my point across... and also probably in the hopes that perhaps in future, you will be able to better understand what I'm talking about, no matter how much of garbled garbage it sounds like to other people.
lone wolf syndrome.
11:05 PM
I'm not entirely certain sometimes if everyone is able to manufacture meaning in their lives any longer. I'm afraid that corporations and businesses have done that so well that we may not be able to create sufficiently compatible meaning with the already existing catalogue of raison d'etres. I worry for the existing variety of this pre-determined set of meanings we are given to choose from; for no matter how differentiated they seem, it is but an artificial separation. The dreams we are told to have and to experience all seem to collapse into a single, arguably homogenous, category. There may very well no longer be a market or space for competing ideologies of meaning in life; we are not oversaturated, rather we are undersaturated that differences can no longer effectively survive. It's like GMO food - they outlive and outgrow other types of crops because of their effectiveness in propagation, such that other varieties of crops have become "extinct" because the ones growing them, the farmers, see no need for the non-effective varieties. We are basically analogous to the fields the crops are planted on, and the farmers represent society. The incompatibility with the juggernaut of "socially accepted" life-meaning has all but eradicated attempts to give meaning to lives ourselves. And yet, we are aware that there is something greatly artificial about the proposed dreams we need to adopt, and the raison d'etres that are supposed to define us. But we can't break free. Because society has successfully negotiated the transfer of our freedoms over to industry. We are prisoners of our own circumstance.
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, January 06, 2014
1:42 AM
I have no idea why I tend to get the best ideas to write when it's late at night and I'm going to sleep. Maybe it's the same cause of all my crazy, whacky dreams; maybe this time of the night just has that sort of effect on my mind. The urge to think and ponder and wonder about all the things that I was too busy to do the thinking about in the day.
And I suppose many a thought had gone unrecorded because well, I was too lazy to get out of bed and type something. I guess that's going to be a little different now. I have the technology to just reach out to bedside and quickly scrawl out a post.
If it helps beat the nightmares, why not I guess.
lone wolf syndrome.
