Tuesday, July 29, 2014
11:35 PM
Hi. It's been a while.
I haven't found a reason to write in a long time. Life's kept me busy and I've kept myself busier.
But somehow here I am again, talking to space. Here I am again, confiding in the only person I trust: no one. Here I am again, almost like I never left in the first place.
This time I can put a name to the reason I'm here. I don't have to make one up like before; I don't have to create words like meaninglessness to express how I feel. I'm writing because honestly, I'm lonely. And it feels like I'm giving in to my inner demons because of it. It feels like there's a part of me that craves genuine human contact so much that it's willing to make do with any kind of human contact and lie to itself that it's genuine (P.S. It's not).
Somehow when I thought I found the answer to meaninglessness I'd be ok. I was wrong. Finding the answer only opened my eyes to two things: 1) How everyone experiences what I feel. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. 2) Despite knowing that everyone feels the same way sometimes, it somehow can make you feel even more alone.
Because everyone's experiences are sandboxed into their own realities; they become unable to experience the authenticity of another's experience, despite knowing how identical they are. We relate to others experiences with ours as a point of reference - we don't actually live what they live, we live what we live, in their perspectives.
And so, one really cares about the meaninglessness of others. They only really care about how it affects their own realities. They don't want to know how you feel; they want to know how they feel when they are imagining themselves in your situation. They aren't bothered by your sorrow, they're bothered by their sorrow. Their loneliness, not yours. And when you realise that, the gaping distance between people suddenly seems endless and unfathomable and you don't see how you could ever truly connect with someone at that very intimate level any longer. Everyone seems to be the same distance away, but the units of measurement just changed your perspective on how truly far we from each other we are.
And ironically, it makes you crave the improbability that there is someone who can reach you even more.
lone wolf syndrome.
