Sunday, August 31, 2014
1:24 AM
Today, today
I hear myself say
It's just a mood
It'll go away
It's just the weather
It's just the air
It's just you feeling
Some unrelated stress
But today never ends
Today it seems
Stretches and stretches
Till I'm worn thin
It never really matters
What you say
Or do, or try, or plan
When the result is always
The same in the end
But today I feel like shit
And I can't fucking fall asleep
And today, today, needs to end
Take your meds, shut up and sleep
As if anything could ever
Stop the beat
Of today, today, of the depression
I feel every day.
But thankfully, just today.
lone wolf syndrome.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
7:42 PM
I'm mentally and spiritually at the lowest point in my life I've ever been in along time.
It's like for a period of time I got everything figured out and was on cruise control when
bam I suddenly hit a wall with the full force of 120mph. Or like when you're skydiving and enjoying the feeling of zero G and freefall when
bam you suddenly hit the ground with the full impact of of the entire fall. What I'm trying to say I guess is shitty feels more shitty when you've not felt shitty in a long while.
I honestly think I may be clinically depressed. I have to admit, for the first time, the thought of killing myself actually crossed my mind not too long ago. The reason? My parents. If there's anybody in this world who ever has the ability to make you feel like a worthless pile of fucking deep friend dog shit, it's the people who have the ability to do the exact opposite as well. If I ever do kill myself one day, please arrest my parents. They don't care about the mental health or well being of their children. All they are concerned about is their power; their Asian parent complex to be correct all the time, no matter how
unright they are. They will destroy your self esteem and confidence and make you feel like you're worthless if you even dare to ignore this sacred rule. And I was on the brink of going crazy after spending two weeks with them overseas. So I've made a decision: no more family trips. No more using the power of money to overrule my power of decision and my freedom of speech. I can criticize you and if you don't like it then too bad because you no longer have power over me (which incidentally made me realise that I have a very simple solution to my cat issue; move out and not be constricted by the traditional Asian habit of living with one's parents till marriage. Just rent a place somewhere and do whatever the fuck I want).
Yeah. And I'm here writing because writing is my catharsis, it's what helps me get over feeling shitty and fucked up and unimportant to anyone and anything. And helps me forget that my meaningful relationships in life are close to zero (not zero, but close). Apart from feeling down, I've also been feeling very very pissed off at the same time. You all should know my drill - I obsess myself with things to keep myself distracted when I feel shitty or bad or just generally down. I guess my choice of obsession this time hasn't helped. In fact, it's made me an angrier/sadder/nofaithinhumanity person. LoL Ranked is basically a microcosm of the most immature, scrubby aspect of our society. Filled with delusional, brain damaged individuals who blame the whole fucking world for everything that goes wrong in their life. And the best part? They actually think they're good. Fucking Dunning-Kruger effect.
You want to know the scariest part about this post? It's that it doesn't seem to be working. I usually feel like there's a fucking load off my chest when I'm done typing and haven nothing more to say. But this time, even after letting out everything, I don't feel relieved. I just feel... empty. Like there's no fucking reason to do anything any longer. It's like I'm unmotivated to live. And to some extent... this scares me. It scares me but I've been throwing everything at it and trying to find a way out and it doesn't seem like there is. I hope this shitfest is just temporary; that this too shall pass. There. That little bit of hope actually made me feel better. Don't know if it's imaginary or not, but I'll take it.
I'll be talking seriously to someone tonight. Not sure if it's because I feel fucked up or not, but I hope it's not. I hope a serious talk helps clear this fucked up feeling I have.
I'll just stop here because I have no idea what I'm typing any more nor do I have anything left to say. And yet, I don't want to stop typing because it feels like the shitty feeling will feel worse if I stop. God help me.
lone wolf syndrome.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
5:49 PM
I never want to forget
Everything I couldn't have
Not to want for it more
But to remind myself
That it hurts when you can't get
What you can't have
lone wolf syndrome.
Monday, August 11, 2014
4:50 PM
In some ways
Never having found
A purpose for living
Is merciful
Compared to
Having found
And lost
All purpose for living
lone wolf syndrome.
