Tuesday, February 27, 2018
8:30 PM
So after the longest break I've ever taken; slightly more than a year, I came back here.
I have to say I'm actually very proud that I tried so hard and kept myself busy and occupied and focused on improving myself yadda yadda but at the end of the day it didn't change some things.
At the end of the day, I don't really think some of my fears and insecurities are something I can overcome. It's not like a skill: it doesn't get better with practice, it doesn't get better with failure. I can't analyse where I went wrong and because of that I can't improve.
And I know deep down inside of me it could be a matter of luck or just bad timing or fate. But I refuse to accept that at some level, because I would rather attribute it to me being a terrible person than some cosmic force outside my control. That gives me reason to believe I can change the outcome.
I guess that's one thing that's changed in a big way; yet I'm faltering: I would rather admit to being inadequate than succumb to the admission that I was right along. I've tried really hard to be the best version of me, but this won't change. And it's wearing down on my soul. It feels like my determination is slowly being grinded away in the face of the world proving to me that sometimes no matter how hard you try: it's just not you.
The source of my overwhelming confidence in many things are etched in failure. Failure is what has made me what I am today, but only in this one aspect of life I constantly am unable to find out where I went wrong.
I guess the famous Star Trek quote is right afterall:
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life.
lone wolf syndrome.
